“I don’t know if that’s necessarily true. I’ve believed I was in love so many times that it just passes me by. I can’t even recognise it now.”
“If love had passed you by, Martin, if it brushed past you or even glanced at you…” I sigh, painfully, “…then I promise you’d recognise it. And you’d never be able to remember what your life was like before.”
“You’re probably right. And I know that it seems impossible now for you to imagine a day when all this will just be a memory – one of those memories that buries itself in the deepest corner of your mind – but that’s what will happen. You’ll create new dreams, new happiness: a new life. It’ll happen, Casey, I promise.”
I don’t believe any of his words. I could never believe them.
I’ll never be able to replace Nick with anything else, with any other life.
I’ll never replace it – and maybe I won’t even try to hide it. Maybe it’ll stay there, on the surface, basking in the sunlight, reminding me of the best part of me. Reminding me of joy, of happiness.
Reminding me that, in life, you only really love once. And when you’ve given your heart to someone, there’s no way of getting it back.
62
Nick
Mum opens the door, and I ask her about Dad right away.
“He’s outside in the garden, trimming the rose bush.”
“I need to talk to him.”
She looks at me suspiciously. “What have you done?”
“The same thing I always do.”
“Nick…”
“Mum, please don’t. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Honey, why…?”
“You know why.”
“That’s not a good enough reason to just throw everything away.”
“You don’t get it. She…”
“She loves you.”
I shake my head, trying to push Mum’s words out of my mind.
“And you love her.”
“That’s not enough, Mum.”
“Please, Nick. Think about this…”
“I just want to talk to Dad for a few minutes.”
My mum nods, dropping the subject. “Sure. Go on.”
I go out of the back door and head towards my dad, who doesn’t turn to see who’s approaching him.
“Look,” he says, pointing towards the rose bush. “After all these years, they’re still here.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me.
