Riley
Idon’t even know how I made it home. My entire body was on alert the entire time, still shocked by what I’d just gone through.
I had sex with Ian and I have no idea what I was thinking, showing up at his door and begging him to make me his.
What was I expecting? That things would be different? That he would actually care about me? That the emotion I felt running through me was real and that he felt it too? That he would be honest with me, that he had really changed?
That he felt something for me and wasn’t just trying to get laid?
All bullshit. What a sham.
My entire life is a sham.
I close the door behind me and fall to the floor, resting my back against it. I hug myself and start shaking. I’m still wearing my wet clothes from the storm, but I can pick out quite distinctly his smell on me and it’s enough to make me want to wretch.
I crawl to my bathroom, slithering towards the toilet. I start coughing, but nothing comes out.
I lift myself with great difficulty and get undressed before getting into the shower to wash away my shame, the pain and the solitude which now feels stronger than ever before.
I sit in the shower as the water washes over me, and I curl myself into a ball until the hot water scorches my skin. I pull myself out and wrap myself in a towel. Dripping wet, I walk to the kitchen in my bare feet, open the fridge and grab a bottle of wine.
The emptiness has returned.
I can’t stand it.
I crawl under the covers, making the sheets wet, and start to drink. Maybe now I’ll finally just pass out.
* * *
I heara dull thudding noise that shakes me from my stupor. I don’t understand where it’s coming from, maybe I’m dreaming or maybe it’s just the hammering in my head.
I try to open an eye but the only thing I see is a bottle next to me that spins on the ground when I try to move, clinking noisily against two other empty bottles.
How much did I drink? I don’t remember getting out of bed to get more.
I turn in my sordid sheets with great difficulty, shivering when I come into contact with the cold and I fall back into a restless and painful sleep.
* * *
Another noise,louder than the first one, almost makes my head explode, then someone is shaking me and lifting me, wrapping me in a reassuring warmth.
I feel water running over me again, someone caressing my hair, my face and speaking to me but I can’t make out any of it.
The water stops running and I feel myself wrapped up in something warm. Again, I am held tightly, someone is holding me in his arms, speaking to me sweetly.
I want to open my eyes, say something, but it’s too much for my senses and it’s too overwhelming. I let myself go completely, feeling so safe that I can escape for just a few minutes. Enough time to turn all of this off and imagine my life as something other than a disaster.
