Ian
Iget up slowly, assisted by the paramedics who are asking me if everything’s alright. I nod repeatedly and try to take some nice deep breaths to store away as much air as possible and calm my stupid heart.
It’s not about the hit, or the fact that I blacked out, it’s not about the fear or the game. It’s none of that.
“Christ, Ian, you really scared me,” John says, taking me by the arm. “Are you alright? Do you need to get off the field?”
I shake my head trying not to make the stabbing pain worse.
“You took a nasty hit, mate. And you’re bleeding,” he says pointing to my forehead. “You have to go off. We need the points,” he says, nodding to the bench.
“No.” I stop him. “I can’t.”
“You have to.”
I shake off his grip and look around, confused. Jamie storms onto the field, coming towards us.
“Jesus, Ian!” he yells as the others catch up with him. “Get off this field right now, do you hear me? That’s an order! Or I’ll have you off the team until January!”
“You can do whatever you want…later.” I walk away and look at the crowd, who are all on their feet watching the scene unfold on the field. I scan the bleachers, the reserved seating with that annoying pang in my stomach that takes possession of my body.
Where are you…?I whisper between my teeth.
I know she’s out there somewhere. I felt her eyes on me the whole first half and I felt her desperation when I got tackled. I felt her fear.
I felt her. Coursing through me.
I look once more, desperately, through the crowd when I finally spot her, standing there with her hands in front of her mouth. It’s a force as strong as a hurricane that pulls me in, dragging me towards the unknown.
Because I’m aware of the damage I’m causing her and what she’ll do to me. But I can’t help it.
I want this fucking disaster.
I want her to ruin my life. I want those damn eyes on me, I want that stunning smile aimed at me, and I want to see her tears the first time she lets in her pain. I want to be the one to dry those tears and hold her, to comfort her when it doesn’t seem possible to start over.
I want her to be my torment, my punishment and my salvation.
I want her to be the one to turn my world upside-down before helping me put everything back in place.
I want her to be there for every game, watching me and suffering with me and cheering me on. For her to be the one waiting for me at home when I get back.
I want her to be me and I to be her.
I have always and only wanted her.
Riley is upset, speaking to someone standing next to her. Then she shakes her head and it looks like she’s ready to make a run for it.
Even though I know that the emergency exits are closed by this point, she isn’t ready to let go, to let me into her life again and allow me to take care of her like no one in her life ever has.
Riley isn’t ready and no matter what I say or do, I won’t be able to convince her to trust me.
Riley isn’t ready to be my cheerleader.
I’m not her player.
I’ve lost.
This time, I really have lost it all.
