He paces around, his hands in his hair.
“Every time I left your house a part of me died because the only thing I wanted to do was stay.” He brings his hand to his mouth. “And when I thought that one day someone else could have you, could take you away from me forever…You were killing me, Riley. All of that shit was killing me. To breathe next to you, to smile at you, talk to you, to not be able to touch you…I knew that if I did it once, I wouldn’t be able to stop. But how could I? How? How could I know? Not even my mother wanted me, Riley! How could I know that you wanted me? To tell you everything…Lying to you like that, that night when you were ready to let yourself go in my arms…that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.”
“You’re delirious, Ian. You’re out of your mind.”
“I had done it. You were out of my life, I was sure of it. I was convinced. Poor sod,” he laughs bitterly. “But then I understood, when I saw you in the hospital. When you were at my house. After I was here that first time, after you smiled at me that night. You hadn’t done that in so long and when you did it again…” he sighs, “…my whole world shook.”
“I don’t believe you. I don’t know why I’ve even let you set foot in my house.”
He turns again and speaks to me.
“The more I tried to ignore what my heart was telling me, the louder it yelled. The more I tried to kid myself that it was just a fling, the more my soul was searching for yours. The more I tried with all of my might not to fall in love with you…the more I went crazy at the idea of never being able to love you.”
“I don’t want to listen to you, it’s all just lies!”
He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to him.
“I slept with you because I was dying to have you. And I fell in love with you because my heart, Riley, recognised you right away. I knew that I could only love you, for the rest of my life. And I wanted you…I still want you,” he lets go of my arm and caresses my face, speaking right against my lips.
“I want it all – your pain, your fears, your past because it’s all a part of you. I just want you.”
It’s too much.
I can’t handle this.
I need to breathe.
I look down, because I can’t tell him what I need to while looking him in the eyes.
“I’m sorry, Ian – but I could never love a man like you.”
The door slams hard behind him and I know that this really is the last time.
