Ian
Ilet her go. I let her lift up the garage door and slam it behind her so hard that the windows and the walls shook.
I let Riley leave my life in the same way she came it, messing up my whole world.
I fall to the ground and punch the metal repeatedly. I let the emptiness consume me and have its way with me. I have nothing else. I’ll never have anything else, not if she takes it all away with her.
I went behind her back. I just wanted to know everything and know it right away. I wanted to fix things, fix her life, to give her what she never had. Give her security, protection and love.
But I chose the wrong way.
I only thought of myself and not about how she might take my gesture.
And yet, I knew it was a question of time, that the truth would eventually come out, that I should have told her right away. Maybe she would have hated me or maybe she would have understood. Or maybe we wouldn’t have come together as we did and I wouldn’t be here, left to bleed after she’s abandoned me.
It hurts more and more. Even though I’m not a little kid anymore. Even though I’ve grown up, and should have learned by now that these things happen, no one is safe.
And it gets worse every time.
To be rejected, set aside.
Left alone.
I drag myself into the apartment, reliving our shared moments here, the places where she smiled at me, where she ate with me, where she sat. Where we made love.
Her scent surrounding me. Her taste in my head.
And her, in my fucking heart.
How could I have believed it, to have thought that there was something out there just for me?
I wasn’t born for this, to have something healthy in my hands – love, a woman, a life, a future.
I’ve never had anything.
Not a family, not affection or warmth. I shared my mother with pain and suffering; with men who partly satisfied her needs, but never gave her anything.
I came into a family that wasn’t mine; it was never mine, despite how much they’ve tried to make me feel welcome.
And now I’m in love with a woman I’ve hurt, who I lied to because I wanted to show her the good side of me. I thought she could love me and let me be the world to her.
I fought the demons of her past, believing they were the only things that separated us – but I never thought for a second that the only thing that could really hurt us were lies, secrets and fear.
Myfear.
I was so busy destroying hers that I let mine take over, hiding everything I should have told her at the beginning.
And now, all I have is an empty house.
I look around and an uncontrollable anger assails me. I want to break everything, the whole world, with my bare hands.
I grab a stool and slam it against the counter repeatedly. I’m going to destroy this whole fucking house.
All of it. I want to destroy myself too.
