“I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel. I’ve finally opened my eyes and I now understand that I’ve been wrong all along going around with my head in the clouds, dreaming about things that could never be, because there’s a lot more to life than dreams, Aaron,” she concludes bitterly before distancing herself from me again and leaving me alone in the cold darkness.
She lays down on the bed again and turns away from me, pulling up the sheets.
I’d like to lay down next to her, to comfort her, but I’m afraid my closeness would only make things worse.
So I leave her in peace, repressing my need to hold her in my arms. I sit in the chair and limit myself to simply watching her all night, until the first rays of sunlight filter through the windows and Rain, God love her, discreetly comes in to check up on me.
She convinces me to go downstairs where I find the guys all awake, tired and looking frazzled. There’s hot coffee and I accept one happily and sit with them around the kitchen table.
Patrick is the first one to break the silence:
“The lawyer will be here in about an hour. I know you’re tired, we all are, but we’d better be prepared for it.”
“Any news abouthim?” I ask without lifting my eyes.
“That bastard is fine.”
I nod and sigh in relief.
“They’re going to interrogate him and he’s probably going to spin a tale fit for primetime so we need to prepare for the worst.”
“It’s very likely that I’ll be put behind bars, do you realize that?”
Rain breaks out crying.
“If that were true,” she says.
“Come on, let’s not think that way right now, friend,” Liam says reassuringly.
“As Patrick said, we need to be ready.”
“We’re here, Aaron. We are all here for you,” Jay says and the moment I see my family huddled around me I know that’s the way it is.
I’m not alone.
I never have been.
I drop my head to the table, freeing myself of years of repressed emotions that made me close myself off from the world, from them too, and which brought me to be what I am now: cynical and rational and who thought the only way to keep going was to cut all sentiment out of my life.
A man who had given up hope, hope in believing and dreaming.
A man who was lost in the dark and whose soul was brought back to the light by a woman.
A woman who loves.
So, I decide it’s time to tell my family how I feel and what I’m afraid of.
I tell them about all of my lies, my insecurities and my fears. About my panic attacks and the anxiety, whose constant assaults have weakened me on a daily basis. The weight of the responsibility that I carry that has crushed me over the years.
I tell them about my worries about the future, my decision to dedicate myself to just their welfare at the expense of my own. And about my mania for maintaining control and my sense of protection.
About my terror of losing them.
About my fear of loving.
And I tell them about her, how she brought me back to life with her light-hearted moods and her caresses. About how she helped me and how she took care of me. About how I now feel the need to protect her and keep her by my side where nothing bad will ever happen to her.
And I tell them about my fears of not being up to the tasks I’ve set myself.
