She grabs the edge of the table behind her, fully enjoying each of my thrusts. I grab her ass and dive into her repeatedly and she abandons herself to my hands and my urgency.
“I need you to be mine, Aaron,” she whispers before letting herself go to pleasure and with a final deep push, I come inside of her, washing her over with my heat and all of the things I am unable to say.
I drop my head to her chest, breathing with difficulty as she runs a hand gently over my back all the way up and down again. After a few minutes of silence, I squeeze my arms around her and kiss her shoulder.
“Ciara…I…”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to, believe me.”
“I know. One day, but not today.”
I lower my head in shame in front of this woman who is so sure of herself, one of a kind and so absurdly fabulous that I wouldn’t change a hair on her head, no minimal detail, because Ciara is a force of nature, she is light and life itself and I just want to be next to that, to be the man she deserves, the man she can love and who will love her.
I would like to, to try and change what I am but it’s so hard and I don’t know if I’ll be able to put my past behind me and live this love with her.
I move out of the way to let her gather herself in heavy silence and full of a sense of insecurity that surrounds us.
She gets dresses and pulls up her messy hair into a ponytail before looking at me.
“I don’t want to hear you say something now that you could later regret. When you are ready to let your heart do the talking, I’ll be willing to listen to your voice.”
“I can’t go on like this. Not after having been inside of you.”
Her eyes hang over me with a threatening air, pinning me into the corner of the room.
“I can help you get over your fear, I can stay by your side and squeeze you when you’re feeling alone. I can love you. I can do all of that for you, and maybe a lot more, but I can’t do it if you refuse to let me get near you, if you don’t trust me. I can’t decide for you, Aaron.”
I nod and bite the inside of my lip before speaking too much. She’s offering me a way out without being forced to say, here and now, what I have on my lips, but am unable to completely let go of.
I gather myself as well, picking up my shirt from the ground and slipping it on against my will.
“I’m sorry Ciara, you can’t imagine how sorry I am. You deserve everything. You deserve a complete man who is sure of himself, not a fucking coward. I want to be that man, honestly, I do. I want to be that for you.”
I caress her face and kiss her forehead before leaving the garage and her life one more time, after having taken everything and given nothing in return.
And I get in the car and sit behind the wheel without moving for at least ten minutes, trying to analyze these last moments here tonight.
I came here to talk to her, to apologize, to tell her what an ass I am and then… I jumped her, again.
She is giving me everything, she is allowing me to act like the biggest of all assholes and she’s giving me time to figure out what it is that I really want.
And I took advantage of the situation, her body and her heart because I know that she loves me. I see it in her eyes every time I look at her and with every kiss and every push inside of her.
Her love is bright and beautiful.
Mine must become so.
