27
JASON
I fell apart after having made love to Alex for the first time. What kind of man does that?
What I felt as our bodies were together was frighteningly intense. The worst part of it is, I now know that I couldn’t do without it. I knew that once our souls were joined they wouldn’t be able to go on separately. And I don’t know what will happen to me if she…
After my stupid confession I tried to get control back and take care of her. I went to the bathroom and wet a towel and brought it back to her. She was waiting for me on the bed, a bit embarrassed.
I sat next to her and ran the towel between her legs. She smiled timidly, biting her lip and I felt like I could die from the intimacy of it.
I laid down next to her and I held her tight almost all night. I caressed every centimeter of her skin with shaking fingers and lips wet by tears to imprint every detail of her into my memory. We stayed like that, naked—our bodies still warm and alert but full of a sweetness that opened my heart in two.
I let myself go and I said things I felt and I was wrong because I’ve put her in a difficult condition which is even harder and more pitiful than the one she was already in. There was no need to add anything to her worries.
At a certain point, I think I must have fallen asleep because now I am woken by dawn’s first light with a light background music.
I will be your guardian… When all is crumbling… I steady your hand.
I get up and look around me and the empty space she has left there. I jump to my feet in confusion, rubbing my eyes with my hands. I look around until I find a figure wrapped in a sheet sitting by the window. I go to her and kiss her neck.
“Hi. I woke you.”
“Not important.”
“I felt like listening to some music,” she says without looking away from the foggy window.
Don’t let me go… Don’t let me go.
“Alex…”
She looks at me with a sad smile.
We’re falling apart and coming together again and again… We’re growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again.
“I’m sorry for what I said. I don’t know where it came from. I shouldn’t have said it.”
“Everything’s alright.”
Don’t let me go… Don’t let me go.
“No, Alex, everything isn’t fine and I wish you’d stop saying that. We have to be honest and…prepared. I know, it’s just….it’s so difficult, do you understand? We have wasted so many years and I’ll never forgive myself for it. But my heart, Alex, has always been yours and always will be, no matter what.”
Her eyes fill with tears and her lip starts to shake. I take her chin in my hand and bring it to my mouth.
“I won’t let you go. I promise.”
I’ve always been an honest person. I’ve never made promises that I couldn’t keep. I don’t lead people on and I don’t take on something I’m not able to finish.
And for this woman, who is slowly dying in my arms I would be ready to do anything, say anything that would help her and make her believe she can do it. That we can do it, together.
She needs me to support her now and needs for me to say that I won’t go anywhere and I’ll be there with her, forever.
What she doesn’t need is a man who doesn’t know how to reassure her, protect her, keep her safe and love her like she deserves to be loved. Someone who breaks out in tears after they’ve made love for the first time, done in by the emotion and fear of it all.
She doesn’t need for me to tell her that if things go badly I’ll have no reason to live.
After finally having held her in my arms, after having given her everything I have, after having understood that she is love, I could never continue to exist without having her in my life.
