He takes both of my hands in his and forces a smile.
“To be honest, Alex, I have no idea. I think we were both afraid of ruining what we had.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, before letting myself go in the moment and speaking freely. “And what did you do after? After you brought me to the hospital, after you ran away?” I ask with a shaky voice, waiting for his answer.
“You really want to talk about this, Alex?”
I nod.
“Okay.” He takes a deep breath. “I left the hospital and went to the first pub I found. I drank enough to forget my name but not yours. Hell no. I couldn’t forget your name even if they brainwashed me or cancelled my memory like they did in that movie with Jim Carrey. Then, I busted open some guy’s head and went to jail. Aaron got me out. I’m not proud of what I did, but I was beyond reason. I was…I was completely broken and I didn’t care what happened.”
His story leaves me speechless. I lower my gaze immediately before seeing what I fully expect: the terror and panic he felt in that moment could all be waiting for him right around the bend, ready for an encore.
“When I finally got back to feeling like me again, I went to the hospital, but it was too late. You didn’t want me anymore,” he concludes in a solemn tone and I can feel warm tears falling from my eyes.
Because of you… I never stray too far from the sidewalk… Because of you… I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt.
“And despite that, your refusal…I never stopped loving you. Not for a second. I never thought for a moment that I could love someone else, to let them in my life, anyone who wasn’t you.”
Because of you… I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me… Because of you… I am afraid.
This damned song isn’t helping me much, but what can I do? It seems like things always have to be difficult.
I lose my way… And it’s not too long before you point it out… I cannot cry… Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes… I’m forced to fake… A smile, a laugh every day of my life… My heart can’t possibly break… When it wasn’t even whole to start with.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Alex. I am scared out of my mind.”
“I understand,” I whisper because I don’t have the strength to speak forcefully.
“I’m afraid of not being up to the task, of not being able to love you, to let you know how I really feel so that you feel loved and safe for the rest of your life. Not knowing how to make you happy terrorizes me. That would break my heart.”
But it’s just the opposite, I can feel his words breaking mine. Jason isn’t as strong as he wants everyone to believe he is, even if he always has a shoulder for everyone, the truth is that he is fragile and vulnerable and could break down under the right circumstances.
“Jason.” I touch his face and he seems initially surprised by the gesture. He shuts his eyes and his face muscles tense up. “Please look at me,” I ask sweetly.
He opens his eyes and what little remains of my heart is pulverized in an instant.
God, please, I pray for more moments like this one, because I don’t know how to live without them.
He lifts a hand from the table and brings it towards my face, but then draws back and it becomes a fist.
“I’m afraid of touching you,” he confesses. “I’m afraid even to look at you sometimes, Alex, because when I look at you it’s hard for me to control it. I don’t want to come off too heavy handed or to scare you, but I have this need that’s almost physical to touch you, to hold you, to make you feel my love. I know I said anything would be enough for me, but I was lying. Looking at you cannot be enough for me, I need to feel your skin, to taste you, to love you like you deserve to be loved and to let you experience everything. With me. Only with me. Because if one day the unthinkable should happen, I don’t want to live with regret, I’d like to know that you didn’t miss out on anything and that I can live with the memories of you and I being together forever.
