Whether every night, I’ll lie awake watching her sleep. If every time we’re together I’ll be staring and counting. If every time I hug her, will I wonder if it’s for the last time? If I’ll have to worry about her heart every moment of my damned life.
“Don’t you like the movie?” she whispers, pulling me from my thoughts.
“I prefer watching you,” I confess, and she goes red and turns right back to watching the film.
That was the longest damned film of my life, I swear. I held my breath for ninety minutes. I didn’t follow along with the plot at all, I admit, but I think she enjoyed it and was moved by it because I saw her dry her eyes more than once.
We leave the building and breath in the usual cold, rainy, night air. Alex hugs herself in her coat and I hold her to me, rubbing her arm gently to warm her up.
She looks at me and smiles but isn’t able to hold eye contact for more than three seconds.
I have to force all my muscles and all of my senses to play it cool, to observe us from a distance and not push too much because I realize doing so could be potentially dangerous.
But I’m afraid that being next to her isn’t enough to let her know how I feel. Those emotions are chomping at the bit to make their way out into the sunlight, to give her all that I have, every part of my body and heart, which have never belonged to anyone else.
Because I know and have known forever. Long before I ruined everything.
No other girl has ever been anything like her for me, and I’ve never felt this way with anyone else.
When we were children, I was happy to be beside her, to be her friend, to spend all my free time with her, and I thought it was enough for both of us. I don’t know why I didn’t try to move things along sooner, I thought things were working for us the way they were, after all, I had everything she had to offer me.
And yet, that day, I decided to take that step, knowing that she might interpret the gesture as being a way out of my pain. But that’s not how it was, honestly.
It’s just before I was able to be satisfied with what I had and to mask my real feelings and intentions. I didn’t want to ruin something perfect, that thing that we had.
The desperation of that day did have the better of me, that is true. I felt vulnerable and more sensitive than usual and that is the reason it happened, because my shield was down and my love for her was able to seep through the cracks and went straight to her lips.
It would have happened in any event sooner or later, because I could not have hidden my feelings of wanting to be with her, really be with her, and that the intimacy we had would go beyond friendship and joking around. I couldn’t have held out much longer, couldn’t have spent another night wondering what her lips tasted like.
I would have done it, I just chose the wrong moment. Not that now is a better choice, but I’m a man now, good Lord, a man who takes on his responsibility and takes care of his woman, in good and bad and I realize a lot of bad days are forecast.
But I’ll be there.
In the worst of days, I’ll be with her.
—
ALEX
I am very anxious. I have to really concentrate on my breathing to calm down after being winded, even if I recognize that this is different. For the first time, this accelerated heartbeat does not imply danger for me.
We went to the movies, as we have done as kids in the past a million times. We’ve seen every kind of movie together, and I know for a fact that Jason isn’t into romantic movies, and yet, he took me to seeLove, Rosie,which was made into a film from one of my favorite books and I have to say it could not have been a better choice.
It is about two friends that lose each other continually, and love each other from a distance and despite everything: the silence, life going on, they find a way to make it work and I hope that Jason and I will be able to have a similar ending to our story.
After the movie, we went to Whelan’s, a place where they play live music every night. Seems like Jason can’t stay away from music even for one night, but I like it, it’s who he is and I wouldn’t change it.
We order something to drink and some chips and enjoy the night. We talk, laugh and hold hands. He hasn’t let go of my hand for a second since we left the cinema.
It’s strange, but lovely and absolutely what normal couples should be doing in this new relationship that he decided to create.
He smiles at me with his whole face, showing off those adorable dimples I can’t resist. I’ve been staring. To tell the truth, I’ve been ogling every part of him: every little line on his face, every change of expression, every detail—even the most insignificant because I don’t want to miss anything.
I am not able to resist it any longer, avoiding this physical contact between us, the desire to pass my time together with him, without fear or hesitation, without thinking that my life could end any second.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask him point-blank and his hand raised with his drink remains frozen in the air. He sets it down on the table and looks at me seriously and gives me a nod.
“Why didn’t all this happen before?”
