“I don’t want to calm down and I don’t want any of your damned tea! All I want…I just…” I’m not able to finish because Rain has burst out sobbing in front of me and as much as she enraged me, I can’t stand seeing her like this.
I huff out slowly and sit at the table. I inhale and exhale deeply, hoping to calm my nerves and my heart, which is accelerating dangerously.
“I’m sorry,” I say gasping. “I didn’t want to attack you.”
Rain sits next to me and squeezes me tightly, so tightly that I can’t breathe.
“You know that you can’t let yourself get stressed like this, Alex. In, in a week…”
She can’t say it.
In a week, I’ll have an operation. I got the confirmation just today after the latest results.
Truth be told, I’m not going crazy about it, the problem rather is everyone else around me. Rain is in full panic, my father is in pieces and my mother will be here in two days to encourage me. Pretty soon, everyone, including Jason, is going to know. Jason, who I’ve just started spending some time with and finally I felt like maybe I had a chance at being happy with him.
I understand that this operation does not necessarily signify the end of all of this, but on the other hand many people in my condition have successfully undergone this operation and are living better for it. But each case is unique and only God in heaven knows how things will end.
“Everything will be fine, Rain,” I calm her, pushing her away from me so I can look her in the eyes. “It has to work out,” I conclude in a whisper, trying to convince myself that my life will continue and that I still have the chance to live out my days in his arms.
And as I think it and start to really believe it, I look up and I see him, standing next to the bar counter with Aaron. The second I see his blank shark eyes I understand there’s no need to tell him anything: someone has already done it for me.
I’ve already seen this expression, I know what he’s feeling, I understand that he’s scared to death and that he’s holding in the anger for my benefit and I pray that in a week I’ll be back here to hold his hand, to reassure him and let him know I’ll be fine.
To tell him that I’ve always loved him and that nothing will change in this life that I would like to share with him.
Jason looks at me with tear-filled eyes, biting down hard on his lip to hold back the tears I can see flooding his eyes. I incline my head slightly and respond with a smile, as sincere as possible because I don’t want these days to be lived out in fear and anxiety at the thought that everything could end before it begins.
Jason inhales deeply and turns towards us. Rain dries her eyes and quickly makes room for him, moving towards the window, pretending to be interested in something outside but really, she’s just trying to stop the tears.
“Hey there,” he says in a shaky voice. “I was just thinking the guys could do without me tonight. What do you say we go out, me and you alone?”
“Like, a date?”
“Yeah, like a date.” He smiles. “It’s time for me to behave like a serious boyfriend, don’t you think?” He continues smiling even more and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him as handsome as this, with his eyes shining and with a smile on his face.
“You insist with this story…” I tease him.
I know he’s being serious and that’s what frightens me. I’m not scared of being alone with him, and I’m not too scared of facing everything that I’ve never done with a boy before. Actually, I feel like I’m ready for it, ready to live it all, everything, every moment, every breath. I am ready to be with him even if that means only for a week. I’m ready to accept it all, including his love.
I’m ready to love and be loved.
And it’s pretty selfish on my part, because in the worst case scenario, I’ll go on and he’ll be the one left here alone, forced to start over and forget and not know how to love someone else someday.
Because for me, illness or not, things don’t change much.
I have always loved Jason, my childhood buddy, in fun times and as a shoulder to cry on.
Jason, the boy I love and the man I adore in this moment, as he smiles at me and extends his hand, inviting me to stand up and follow him and enter his life again, but this time from the front door.
