I raise a hand to ask him to be quiet because I can’t stand what he’s saying. I take a deep breath a few times before facing him.
“Jason, I am sick and will always be. I do not have a life like yours or other people’s. I can’t…I can’t do it and you do not want this for yourself.”
“What? No, Alex, no!” He tries to grab me by the shoulders but I wriggle away from him.
“You cannot want this. To face all of this all over again.”
“You don’t know what I want, you don’t know what I have here, in my head and in my heart,” he concludes, touching his heart.
“Maybe now that we’ve seen each other, you think you feel something for me, you think you want this, that you can do it…”
“I don’t think it, Alex. Iknow it.”
“I can’t do this to you,” I say between my sobs. “Not to you. I can’t force you to stay by my side, like this, in this way…we could never have….everything. I could never give you a family, you know that, right? Jason, you’d never be happy with me.”
He holds me to him and this time I don’t pull back. I rest my head on his chest and listen to his heart racing.
His, notmine.
I count the beats that are going as fast as those of my own heart. He kisses me on the head and holds me tighter still.
“You are giving me what I’ve always wanted, Alex. Don’t you understand? I want you. You are my family, you always have been. I gave you up once and look how I ended up. I wasn’t able to feel anything, I couldn’t even feel my own heartbeat anymore. I was….incomplete. You are my missing piece, you’re part of me. I’m sorry I let you down, for having let you believe that you weren’t enough for me to put aside my own pain to have you with me.
“I have no intention of going back now, to a life without you in it. I can’t live without you,” he whispers, touching my face with his. “I’m not willing to lose you again, not now that I’ve finally held you in my arms, the only place you should be from now on. I’m here, I’m ready. We’ll face everything here together, step by step.
“I beg you to let me stay here, by your side, that’s all I’m asking you. In whatever way you’ll have me, It’ll be enough for me.”
His words are the ones I’ve always wanted to hear. A hidden desire, kept back by my own fears of ruining his life.
Afraid to feel alive and crude but not being able to separate it from desire, hope and wanting him. To want this man, really, in my life and in my world, in every part of me.
I don’t say anything, but I stay there, in his strong arms which have held me before but never like this, never with such confidence.
And I understand that I need this security, I need his arms around me when I feel like I’m falling apart. I need his smile because it gives me unforgettable moments that no one will ever be able to take away from me, not even this illness of mine.
I need Jason, my friend and my only love.
I need him and it terrifies me because I know one day I could leave him and I won’t be there with him to help him pick up the pieces.
