“I swear to you that I am not going to hurt you.”
“I know,” she replies, bringing her forehead to mine, touching me lightly.
Then she lifts a hand and touches my bare chest. The first time her fingers touch my chest, she winces and I kiss her forehead to calm her down.
Small steps, I tell myself. Tiny, almost invisible steps. She tries again, this time more convinced. She opens her palm and puts it right over my heart and I almost faint with the desire to taste her.
She leaves her hand there without moving it. I lift my hand to hers and rest it on top. I hold my breath and my heart feels like it’s about to explode in my chest because I’m so afraid of making her anxious.
“It’s yours, Alex,” I whisper into her lips.
Then I move her hand and show her what I’ve had hidden under a bandage for five years. I pull it off in a second and show her the part of myself that’s been hidden from everything that must now come to light.
I show her what I decided to do the day I decided to leave her.
I show her her name, tattooed on my chest, in my heart and right inside my stupid soul.
Four simple letters, my only weakness from now on, will now be my strength for all of my fucking life.
Alex.
—
ALEX
“It’s always been yours,” he says in a hot whisper onto my lips, showing me my name on his chest.
“Then why did you let me go?”
“I was trying to protect you.”
“By leaving me?”
“Yes. I wanted to protect you from me. I know that seems incomprehensible to you, but I wanted to keep you safe. I thought by staying away from you there wouldn’t be a risk of you—”
“Dying?” I finish the phrase for him.
Many people feel uncomfortable with the worddeath, but I’m not one of them.
He closes his eyes and exhales sharply.
“I couldn’t lose you too.”
I believe him because I know it’s true.
“You thought you’d keep me safe that way? Without you? Oh Jason, it wasn’t your fault and you know that. It just happened and would have happened eventually no matter what.”
“I would have wanted to be by your side, Alex, you can’t imagine how much. But I couldn’t stand it, I wasn’t able to. When I saw you laid out in that hospital bed, it was too painful. I couldn’t stay there knowing that I could hurt you again. I feel like shit for leaving you in that moment that you needed me.”
I touch his face lightly where a hint of beard is starting to shadow, making him even more sexy. I swallow and move in closer and our lips almost touch.
He opens his eyes: panic and disorientation. He’s scared, he’s shaking next to me and he’s completely paralyzed.
He could never do this.
So I let my hand fall and I distance myself from him, turning on my back. I stare at the ceiling and count my heartbeat as the tears come flowing.
“Alex, don’t cry. What did I do? Did I pressure you somehow? Did I make you nervous? Did I…”
