I turn my head toward him and shoot lightning bolts at him with my eyes. I never said I loved her, that’s something I keep to myself, even if I think my love for her would probably be visible from the moon.
“So what are you waiting for?”
I sigh and get up from the stool. I take the guitar and put it back in its case.
I’m not ready to admit my sentiments, it’s already hard enough for me to accept that I am hopelessly in love with her. There’s no need to parade it around.
“Jay,” Liam chastises. “You have to face this thing, for her good and yours too.”
“It’s not the right moment.”
“And when is, then? When will the right moment be? How many years have you been carrying this around with you?”
“Hey, listen. You are not the person to be giving me advice on this. I’ll remind you that you’ve been in love with Rain your entire life and you just told her a few months ago.”
“My situation is very different from yours.”
“I don’t think so. We’re in the same shit.”
“Speak for yourself. I’ve gotten over mine and am doing everything I can to deal with it for her love, because she deserves a happy life and, shit, I do too.”
He’s right about that, they both deserve it, and so does Alex. As far as I’m concerned, it’s not like I think I don’t deserve it, I just don’t know if I can face it all, to really love her and set aside all my fear of being alone and crying over my broken heart.
I don’t want to end up like my dad and what I can’t ignore is that I know Alex could die in any moment.
I’m a coward, I know. I am denying myself a lifetime of love with her because she might leave me, taking all that’s left of me with her.
But how else could it be? How could I not be terrorized?
“Jay, she’s fine, everything’s under control.”
“I know,” I admit, resting my head against the wall.
“You have to just do it. Take the leap. After you do, it’ll be over in a minute, I promise you. Fear will always be there, but you will have been paid back in love, the desire to be together and—”
“Hey, since when have you been so understanding about things like this?”
He smiles and shrugs.
“Since I accepted love, Jay.”
That’s easy to say. It’s not that I haven’t accepted it, I did that a long time ago, I’d say. And I’m not afraid of taking care of her, either. I’d happily stay by her side night and day despite everything.
I could stay with Alex just to watch her breathe and it would be enough for me, because the only thing I want is for her to continue to do so for a long, long time. Infinity, I’d say.
All I want is for her to stay alive.
—
ALEX
“Hi, Dad. Can I give you a hand?”
I go down to the coffee bar in the late afternoon. It’s just a few hours before closing time and I was tired of sitting around in my room checking on Facebook for new incriminating photos.
I was tired of acting like a jealous little girl.
Which is what I am.
