“Is it really possible that youstillhaven’t understood?” She smiles at me affectionately.
“Don’t you realize that she’s afraid that you will continue to suffer. She doesn’t want you to face this all over again, she doesn’t want to see you uncomfortable and having to condition your life to make allowances for her. She just wants you to be free, Jay.”
“What kind of bullshit is this?”
“You know, people think that I don’t understand…everything,” she says, blushing. “But sometimes I understand a lot more from a teardrop or a glance than from all the words in the world.”
“Darling…” I touch her face sweetly. “Please don’t think that way.”
“I don’t think it, I know it,” she says, proudly lifting her head in confidence.
“I know it just as I know that Alex feels this for you, something so big that it drives her to give up the possibility of you two being together, so that you can avoid the pain of it. She said that were destroyed after your mother’s death. She’s hiding behind her illness, Jay, she’s just trying to protect you.”
“It’s not her task, it’s not anyone’s job. I can take care of myself like I always have done and I’m able to make my own decisions.”
“And you did make your decision. Five years ago.”
I look at her in confusion.
“Isn’t that right, Jay? Didn’t you run away to avoid suffering again?”
Yes, I did. But I was a hurt boy.
I was stupid.
And now I’m an asshole.
“You let her leave when she was convinced that you didn’t want to be with her, that you didn’t want to go through everything with her. She was scared and confused and you let her go,” she concludes simply.
And I am again feeling like shit.
“I was young and immature and I needed time to understand what to do, how to get close to her without provoking more damage.”
“I know that, but you let her know that you didn’t want anything to do with it.”
I shake my head to distance those dirty words from me, those true words.
“I’m different, I’ve changed…I can do it now. Now I can take care of her.” And as I’m saying it I realize it’s true, it’s really what I’m feeling.
I could do anything, even if it’s just counting her breaths, her heartbeats per hour. Anything, to be able to fill my eyes with her smile and be invaded by her laugh.
“You still don’t understand, Jay.” She smiles again affectionately. “She doesn’t want someone to take care of her. She doesn’t want someone who is afraid of making her suffer or making her angry.”
“I’m not following you.”
“She just wants someone to love her.”
—
ALEX
“Hi, Alex, come on in. I ordered Chinese.”
“And…”
“He’s not here, we’re alone.”
I relax and walk through the door. I wasn’t sure whether I should come, but Rain promised me Jason would not be here tonight and I figured that getting out of the house away from my dad for one night would be good for me.
