It would be so easy to forget her if I wasn’t so desperately in love with her.
“Mmm.”
“Shhh,” I whisper, getting closer and kissing her forehead.
“Rest. Everything is fine.”
She slowly opens her eyes and seems scared and I don’t want to make her anxious. So I let her hand go and distance myself, hoping I haven’t caused any damage.
“Jay…” she whispers in a thin voice.
“Hey there.” I smile. “When did you start calling me Jay?”
My name is Jason but I haven’t used it in years. By noweveryonecalls meJay.
“And you? When did you stop having people call you Jason?”
“Since you left,” I say without reflecting. “Because, Alex, when you went, Jason went with you.”
Maybe I’ve said too much and I’m an idiot. I had promised myself I wouldn’t say dumb shit that could upset her and here I am doing it. I’ll do just about anything to get closer to her.
“Don’t do it,” she says and I honestly don’t know what she’s referring to.
“What?” I ask getting closer to her.
“Don’t l-love me.”
My will and self control go down the toilet.
My whole world is in balance.
I find myself face to face with everything that scares me, going back on my decisions and cancelling every promise and intention I had.
Everything I’m desperately fleeing from is here, reflected in her eyes. And it is here, in front of the love of my life, that my world crumbles.
There they go, my walls come crashing down under the intensity of this sentiment that even fear cannot hold back.
“I’m already doing it.”
“Promise me. Promise that you don’t love me, Jason.”
Is this really what she’s asking me?
Oh, Alex, don’t you have any idea what’s going on in my heart right now?
“I don’t love you.” I smile at her.
“You have to swear it,” she says with a lip that trembles.
“I can’t,” I confess and then the first tear falls from her eye and her walls come down too.
—
ALEX
“And so?”
“And so nothing. That’s it.”
