Can I be there for her? Can I help her accept her life and…me, help her to accept my love for her?
And I? Can I accept this love? Can I let myself go and throw myself into this crazy obstacle course that could trip me up, break my legs leaving me breathless or lifeless?
Listen to me, what a bunch of bullshit.
I had my chance years ago and I blew it. I could have stayed by her side then, when she needed it. And instead I only thought about myself, to run away from the chance of being hurt again and the fear of losing someone else in my life and I’ve denied myself all these years with her.
And I have denied her everything.
I don’t deserve to be close to her and I don’t deserve her love. Because I know it’s there. I know that she loves me, from that day on and very probably before then.
From the first time I made her fall off the swing or when I hid a toad in her backpack. Or when I beat up Rick Murphy in the playground after he told her she had nice tits.
She’s loved me since the day we understood that we weren’t meant to be with others, since my mother brought me to her house and begged me to play with her because she didn’t have many friends.
She’s always loved me, but I’m nothing more than an idiot.
And I…I’ve loved her since my first breath.
—
ALEX
“So?”
Rain and Erin sit down next to me. We’re at Starbucks, a stone’s throw from Trinity College. In the last few weeks they’ve taken on the habit of coming to visit me after work to spend a little time together.
Rain wants to catch up with Erin, who is a nice, sweet girl and very easy to get along with. Now I understand how she was able to tame that womanizer Patrick.
I can’t deny that their company is good for me. It’s really nice to have some friends I can spend some time with and that I don’t have to spend all my free time at home in my room with my books.
I got a sandwich and some tea but I’m not really interested in eating.
My stomach is in knots and I don’t know if it’s the medicine or this thing that’s crushing me.
“What are you talking about?” I say vaguely, even if I know where she’s getting at.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know! Spill it!”
I set the sandwich down on the plate and push it away from me and let myself slide back in the chair.
Rain looks at me disapprovingly, she always does when I leave my entire lunch on my plate.
“What is it you want to know, Rain?”
“What a question! I want to know everything!”
“There’s not much to tell. It’s him, I have to stay away from him. You know the rest.”
“You’re not getting off that easy.”
“What do you want me to tell you? You know the story.”
“And you know that I don’t remember all of it. I know he was your first kiss, your first love, well, I can go a step further, I know that he’s been your only love.”
As her words fall down on me, I think back to Conor and how our story ended. I shake my head before resting it on the table and banging it.
“You know I can’t,” I say without lifting my head from the table. “And then, so much time has passed. We were just kids and I went away and who knows how many girls have passed under him since then.”
