“Hi Joe and hello—”
“Kenny. I’m Jason’s father.”
“Oh,” Rain exclaims, putting her hand in front of her mouth. “We’ve already met, haven’t we?” she asks, worrying that her memory is playing tricks on her.
“It’s not important, Rain. It was a long time ago.”
“I’m sorry,” she says getting sad, but I squeeze her hand to show her it’s alright.
“Let’s go find a table.” They invite me to follow them. Kenny is a bit nervous, Jason doesn’t know he’s coming here but it was important for me to have him come to participate tonight and for him to be part of our lives. He is his father and Jason must give him this opportunity.
I see him hunched over near the stage. He’s setting up some cables. I go up to him like always and cover his eyes. He stops for a second.
“Darling,” he says without turning.
I let my hands go and hug him from behind. He caresses my fingers before turning and taking me in his arms.
“I’ve missed you.”
“We saw each other yesterday.”
“Too long ago,” he adds seriously.
“Well, I’m here now and I brought someone with me. I hope you won’t mind.”
“Anything you want,” he says, causing me to shake with emotion.
“Hi Jason.”
Kenny joins us, keeping his hands in his jacket pocket, embarrassed.
“Dad?”
“Alex called me, so…so I came with her and Joe. Is that…alright with you?”
Jason shrugs his shoulders and gives him an unconvincing “Okay”. I look at him and I look at Kenny and I think they could both try a little harder to make this work and get back to being a family.
“It was my idea,” I interject, feeling the need to help Kenny a bit.
“It’s okay, dear. Don’t worry about it. Dad, I’m glad you came.”
Kenny nods and looks around self-consciously and Jason winks at me whispering a ‘thanks’ that makes my heart beat quickly.
And not in a negative way.
“Alex, let’s go sit down,” Rain says, pulling me along with her. “You shouldn’t stand up too much. You’ll tire yourself out.”
I huff a bit but obey. I am a bit weak, the recovery is long and slow but I’m giving it everything I’ve got. For now things are going pretty well, aside from the scar tissue on my heart and this thing that regulates my heartbeat. I have to get over it and just accept it.
There are no cures, or remedies. There are little adjustments that can help me live longer. I hope I will live a long time because I don’t want to miss anything.
This is what I am. Fragile and vulnerable, but alive and in love. So, so in love.
I take my place next to Rain and Erin while my father and Kenny sit at the counter, chatting. The guys take the stage and prepare for a little concert.
I relax and breathe normally. No anxiety or fear. I’ve also stopped continuously counting my heartbeat. The only thing that counts for me now are the hours I spend away from Jason when we are apart.
We see each other every day, yes, but he’s always busy with the pub when I’m at home. I haven’t gone back to work and I don’t know when I’ll be able to. They won’t let me be here every night because they say I’ll wear myself out, at least that’s the case for the moment.
