ALEX
As the nurse lets me know they’re just about ready to come get me and bring me downstairs, Jason pops his head around the door.
“Hey!” I greet him, adjusting the nightshirt they made me put on. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I thought you got kicked out.”
“Just let ’em try,” he says, smiling, kissing me lightly on the lips. His eyes are big and puffy. He must have been crying before coming here.
“I went down to get some coffee, and found that all the guys are down there.”
“Really?”
“Yep,” he says, nodding. “You realize that being with me means always having them around, there is zero privacy…”
I shut him up by hugging him as tight as I can.
“Couldn’t ask for better.”
I can feel him smiling into my hair and he holds me tighter.
“Alex?” my father says as he comes to the door. “It’s time, love. They are here for you.”
I break away from the embrace and sit on the bed, which will be wheeled downstairs to the operating theatre. I lay down and take a good breath and Jason holds my hand.
Two nurses push me towards the lifts and he walks next to me, smiling and squeezing my fingers. My mom and dad follow us until we get to the sliding doors of the operating theatre, where the nurse lets us know that the moment has come for us to say goodbye.
My father dries his eyes and hugs me tightly together with my mother. They tell me it will go well and that they will be here waiting for me and I try to reassure them and promise that I’ll wake up again. Then they take a few steps back and Jason kneels next to the bed.
I’d like to stay with him longer, to have more time, more thrills and kisses but the time has come to face this thing and come out a winner because I can’t do without his love.
“Don’t let me slide away,” I whisper.
“If you should slide, I will hold your hand and you grab on to it with all your might. I won’t let you go.”
I let go of his hand and he stands up. Then, he comes to me again and taking my face in his hands kisses me on the lips before letting me go. The sliding doors open, I’m wheeled through and just before they close behind me I continue to look back.
Patrick appears next to Jason, putting his hand on his shoulder. With the other hand he gives me the thumbs up sign and smiles. I can see the others too: Rain, Liam, Aaron and Erin.
I touch my chest with my hand as a sign of thanks and the door closes behind me, closing the distance between us for good. When we arrive at the theatre, I take another deep breath and look around: my little bed, the machines, the surgical instruments.
Everything’s ready.
I lay down as everyone prepares themselves. As the anaesthetist gives me an injection, she tells me to count backwards from ten and to have a nice sleep. I don’t even get halfway. I am wrapped in a white cloud of hope, love and life.
I let myself fall into a tranquil sleep where everyone around me is happy and laughing. I see Liam and Rain hugging on the couch in their house. I see Patrick lifting Lily into the air, and the child is laughing heartily and Erin is looking on in love.
I see Aaron shaking his head like he always does to show his disapproval. I see Jason smiling at me and holding my hand. I know I am there with them even if I can’t see my body. I try to force myself into my body so that I can feel his fingers against mine.
Suddenly I’m catapulted into another location, into the garden of my childhood home. Jason is pushing me so hard on the swings that I fall off. We laugh at the toad that he put in my backpack that morning. I should be mad at him but I’m not. I’m never able to be mad at him for more than two minutes.
Then the scene changes again. We’re outside in the school grounds. Rick Murphy is laid out in the grass with a bloody nose. Jason is standing over him ready to pounce. The principal stops him in time and hauls him away. He looks back at me and gives me a wink. And I’m delighted at the emotion I feel.
And then there we are again, sitting on my bed, in my room. Jason is a mess. He’s holding back the tears and I don’t know how to help him. He comes over to me and touches my face. We’re not kids anymore. We’re adults, we’re in the same room, lying down and he’s whispering not to leave him, to come back to him.
Another moment passes and I don’t see anything. It’s dark and I’m cold. I should be afraid, I know, but I can still hear that voice. It’s far off, I can barely hear it, but it’s calling me, it’s asking me to come back. I’d like to follow it but I am weak and tired and I can no longer count my heartbeats.
I don’t feel them. I don’t feel anything.
I feel alone and that I’m about to be lost and I don’t know if I’ll be able to find my way home.
