that what I felt for Nate was nothing in comparison
to what I feel when I’m looking into Patrick’s eyes
and what I feel in my heart when it’s close to his.
How could I believe that what I had before with
Nate was love? How could I have imagined even
for a minute that I could have had a future with
him?
What I feel for Patrick is intense and
destabilizing. It scares me and leaves me wanting
more at the same time. To have him for me, for us.
That’s right because I’m not alone anymore,
there are two of us and I understand having me
means a lot more than having a relationship with
two people.
I’m going to have a child. My life will change,
my priorities will change, and everything will be
different. Difficult and complicated. I really don’t
know if Patrick will be able to handle all this and
his request only makes me dubious but it’s too late
to turn back now.
By now, I’m in the thick of it with all my heart.
I already feel like I can’t and don’t want to give
him up.
I want him. For myself. For us. With all that
comes with it, the risks and the fear.
Even if it should break my heart.
Patrick
My mother is completely shaken. I went to see
what I could do to ameliorate the damage caused
once again by the man who should be my father.
