“You rejected me. In the worst possible way. I can’t pretend that it never happened. I can’t pretend it’s okay just because we... fucked. Nothing is okay, and I can’t...” I gasp for breath and searchfor words. Then I just tell her the truth. What good would it do to lie? “I can’t do that again. It was all a mistake. The notes, the sex. You and me. You’re going to reject me again, sooner or later. And I’ll never understand why. I just can’t do it again. It doesn’t work.”
Zoe turns pale, and my heart cramps painfully because it wants something different from what my mind does. But apparently, my stupid heart has a terrible memory too.
It hurts to tell her the truth, but if I don’t do it, it will only get worse. “You make me feel something, and I can’t deal with that. Because it always hurts so fucking much. You hurt me, and I finally want that to stop. Now. That’s why you should go.”
But Zoe doesn’t move, and shit, she has to leave now, otherwise I’ll go totally crazy.
“Please,” I say desperately. And finally, she stands up, reaches for her pants, and leaves. As the door closes behind her, I feel like the most egotistical asshole in the world. And also like I’ve made a huge mistake.
Chapter 30
Zoe
I think you only realize how much you’ve taken something for granted when you lose it. When I suddenly couldn’t stand to be touched anymore, not even hugs, it was like not knowing who I was anymore. I’ve always needed hugs, and then all at once, I couldn’t stand them. I think that was almost the worst part of it.
—Zoe
It’s strange how torn you can feel all of a sudden. I mean, how can you be relieved and a little happy and totally disappointed and very sad all at once? I have no clue. But if anyone can explain it to me, I’d like to know.
I’m relieved and happy because I had sex with Jase and it was so good, so right. My body didn’t rebel against me. I felt safe and strong with him. I felt like I was in control. And I didn’t just feel that way; Iwasin control. I had control over him and myself and what we were doing. That made me happy. Really, truly happy. Because I finally felt more like myself again that way. At least a little.
Still, it hurts because Jase is right. I rejected him, and I can’t demand that he pretend nothing happened without giving him anexplanation. He deserves that much, especially after everything he went through.
Shit, his parents kicked him out on his last day of school. Just because he didn’t want to go to Harvard. I knew that his parents weren’t happy he was dancing, but I never thought it was that extreme. How could they kick out their own son just because he has a dream and wants to fight for it? I don’t understand.
I don’t understand anything. My mind races. Where did he go last summer? Who helped him? Someone must have. The thought that he had nowhere to go before he could move into the dorm hurts too. It’s not a piercing pain but a terrible burning. Because I know we could have helped him then. Mom, Dad, Caleb, and I.
God, we let him down.Ilet him down. He trusted me, and I pushed him away. Right now, it doesn’t matter that I couldn’t help because I was too broken and devastated myself.
And somehow, I still am, but now I know he is too, and I understand why he wanted me to leave. He doesn’t trust me anymore. He’s protecting himself like I protected myself last year. History is repeating itself in a completely twisted way. Right now, I feel like the ball is in my court, because I don’t want our story to be over. Not like this. We can’t jump straight from the beginning to the end. There’s too much missing in between. I don’t want it to be that way. I want all of it, and I want him.
* * *
I was awake half the night, but still, I’m not that tired when my alarm goes off the next morning. I’m too nervous. It’s Monday, and that means Jase can’t avoid me. We have to dance together,and after that, we have to talk. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him yet, but I have to do something.
Lost in thought, I get ready, and because I’ve been a terrible friend in the last few days, I knock on Mae’s door to pick her up for breakfast and ask how her date with Tristan went.
She greets me with a beaming smile. “Good morning, Zoe,” she says, her eyes glowing. She grabs my wrist and pulls me into her room. Her fingers on my skin are warm, but the brief touch isn’t unpleasant. “Come in; I’m running late.”
“And you’re in a great mood,” I say, smirking.
“I am.” Grinning, she does a pirouette. Her red hair flies around her face. She pauses in front of the dresser across from the bed and looks in the mirror that’s hanging over it. “Damn, I look awful.”
I snort. “In which universe?”
“This one.” She reaches for her brush and begins to smooth back her hair. She looks at me curiously in the mirror. “How can your hair always look so tidy?”
“Perfectionism,” I remind her, and look around her room. There’s a pile of leotards and tights next to her bed, and there are countless barrettes and all kinds of makeup lying on her dresser. I can’t even begin to figure out the chaos on her desk.
Mae sighs. “Yeah, somehow I’ll never be able to do that.”
I sit down on her desk chair. “You don’t have to. How was your date?”
This time, she sighs happily. “Wonderful. We were at the planetarium. It sounds a bit silly, but Tristan is really great. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have only come back this morning.”
“What?” My voice shoots up two octaves. “You spent two nights with him?”
She spins around, a wide smile on her face. “I did, and God, football players are good in bed. You know, he did this thing, and I—”
