“Jase...” she says. I know what she wants to say. That she’s sorry. But I’m not interested in her apology. She can’t give me back what I lost.
“What did you expect, Zoe?” I snap.
She reaches out her hand, and I want to take it, to feel her skin on mine, and that makes me even angrier. At myself.
“I wasn’t expecting anything. I want to talk to you,” she says. Her voice is gentle and soft, and I never want to hear anything else. At the same time, every cell of my body is fighting against hearing what she has to say. “About the kiss. What that means. You just left yesterday, and—”
“You just left too!” I say sharply, interrupting her. “After our last kiss! You ran away and were supposed to come to the treehouse later, but you never showed up. Do you remember?” I can’t stop myself, even though I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t hold the words back. “I still wonder how I could have been so stupid. How could I have believed for even a second that the worst day of my life might not turn out to be so terrible because you wanted to kiss me?”
“What do you mean?” Zoe asks softly. I can hear the worry and alarm in her voice. She’s not angry, and I can’t deal with that. I want her to be angry. I want to hurt her like she hurt me. But the look in her hazel eyes is so concerned that I can’t do it.
I laugh, back away with my arms outstretched until I bump backward into the windowsill, and then I tell her the truth. I do it because I’ve always told her the truth, and because it’s too late to go back now anyway.
“My parents kicked me out that day. First they didn’t come to my graduation, and then they kicked me out because I didn’t want to go to Harvard. Dad refused to pay for myridiculousdance education.” I almost choke on the words as my chest tightens more.
“No,” she breathes, shaking her head as if she can’t believe it.
“When you left me that fucking note in the treehouse, I had hope for one stupid moment. And then you disappeared after that kiss and wouldn’t talk to me anymore. Caleb ignored me too, because apparently, I’m not good enough for his little sister. Andthen I was fucking homeless! I had absolutely nothing!” I shout. My voice breaks with fury. “I had nothing. I had no one to talk to or ask for help. Do you know how often I tried to reach you? I needed help because my father threw me out, and there was no one in my life who could help me. I was alone, and I losteverythingin one day. My best friend, my home, and... you.” I fall silent, breathing hard. My eyes are burning.
Fuck, no.I’m not going to start crying now. No way. But the tears won’t stop, and the pain is unbearable. Everything hurts, and I want it to stop, but I’m not strong enough. I reach the bottom of the abyss and shatter into a thousand pieces.
Chapter 28
Zoe
Without Caleb, I think I would have lost my mind last year, and I’m so sorry that you had to lose him.
—Zoe
My heart breaks. I stare at Jase, unable to speak. Jase, who has been so cool and distant for the last few weeks, hiding behind a mask that now lies in shards on the floor between us. His eyes are full of unshed tears, and it breaks my heart a little more because I can tell he’s fighting as hard as he can to keep from crying. His whole body is shaking, and I can’t bear to see him like this. I hate myself and Caleb for being responsible for this whole mess. His parents threw him out, and we rejected him.
We...Ihurt him. I hurt him so much. Even more than I thought I had. I was too occupied with my own problems to consider that he had problems too.
I open my mouth to say something, but an apology would mean nothing. I still can’t explain it to him or tell him the truth. Besides, this isn’t about me. I move closer to him before I can stop myself or even waste a thought on whether it’s a good idea or a terrible one.
“Jase.” His name comes out as a soft whisper. It’s an apologyand an explanation and a plea, all in one. I reach out and touch his face, and he lets me.
His breath comes in gasps. He avoids my gaze, staring at the floor, biting his lower lip. My heart isn’t just broken now; it’s bleeding. I stroke his damp cheeks, and he turns his head away. He doesn’t want me to see him like this, but he can’t avoid it. I hold his face in my hands.
“Jase,” I whisper again, moving my hand to the back of his neck, caressing the sensitive skin there. He sighs. It’s a tortured, broken sound that brings tears to my own eyes.
I wrap both arms around him, pull him close, and just hold him tightly. There’s nothing else I can do now besides just being here.
His heart beats directly against my chest, fast and hectic. Mine adapts to his rhythm. He’s warm, so warm, and totally tense. I kiss the sensitive skin below his ear. It happens naturally, without thinking. He sighs again, and then all at once he relaxes. He wraps his arms around my waist and hugs me so tightly that, for a moment, I can hardly breathe.
I don’t know who makes the first move, but we come just close enough for our lips to touch, and suddenly we’re kissing. It’s our third kiss, but it feels different.
Like a first kiss. Our third first kiss.
I taste coffee and mint. My heart stumbles, beating unevenly. Jase lets go of my waist, and his hands move up my body to my head, burying themselves in my hair, tipping my face upward to him, gentle and demanding at the same time. The kiss deepens. My lips open of their own accord, our tongues touch, and Jase moans in a way that sends brilliant flashes of lightning through me.
My skin is tingling, my fingers, my whole body. I want more.More of his lips, more of his taste in my mouth, more of his skin beneath my hands.
Every coherent thought disappears as he lets go of me, only to lift me up the next moment. My legs instinctively wrap around his hips, pulling him closer. My pelvis presses against his. I can feel his hardness, and I feel a strong pulsing between my legs.
Desire rushes through me, and I bite his lower lip very gently. He gives a throaty laugh that goes under my skin, deeper and deeper until I can feel it all through me.
He stops kissing me and pulls away, just a fraction of an inch. “Pixie,” he whispers in my mouth. Just hearing him use my nickname again makes me absurdly happy.
