At first, I think it’s me who’s spoken, because the memory of Jase’s lips on mine feels very real right now. But it’s his voice, huskier than it was before, and I grow warm as his fingers interlace with mine, all by themselves. He tugs gently at my hand, almost carefully, and I let it happen. There’s no way I could stop myself even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to. Definitely not.
“Why not?” I ask, waiting for him to repeat my words from back then.
“Because I want to do it again,” he says softly instead. This answer is almost better, because I want him to do it again too.
I’ve wanted it from the first time that we stood in front of the mirror together and he ran his hands over my arms and shoulders. I’ve wanted it since he asked me the first time how it felt to be touched by him, and my answer was far too simple.
“Then do it.” The words slip out before I can stop them. Before I realize that it’s a terrible idea, because I don’t know if my body will behave or if I’ll panic. Jase is the first and only boy I’ve ever kissed,but maybe that’s why it’s exactly the right thing to do. Maybe I just need to be brave.
His hand tightens a little on mine. He looks like he’s about to shake his head, and he looks so torn, which is exactly how I feel. He looks into my eyes and then at my mouth, and then I’m the one who decides. I close the space between us and put my lips on his.
In the first second, he doesn’t react, and I panic. It’s a different kind of panic, not as bad, but a panic that maybe I shouldn’t have done it at all.He said he wanted to, but maybe he didn’t really mean it, and—My thoughts stop in their tracks when he lets go of my hand and strokes my face. His skin is soft and warm, like his lips. He kisses me gently and carefully. But that’s not what I want. I want all of him.
Molten heat surges through me. I open my lips, and Jase accepts the invitation without hesitating. He groans a little as our tongues touch, and a tremor runs through his body. Then all at once, nothing is gentle or careful anymore.
It’s just us, his lips on mine, his tongue in my mouth, his hands on my face, my neck, my fingers in his hair. Soft moans. Jase pulls me closer, and I press myself against him, soaking up his warmth, the kiss, his breath. His erection presses against my stomach, and it’s all too much and nowhere near enough.
My pulse is racing. I can feel it in my whole body—my fingertips, my stomach, even my toes and between my legs. It throbs and throbs. There’s nothing but pure desire, and I feel like crying because I didn’t know it was still possible for me to feel this way.
But it is, and I want more.
As I lean against him, Jase abruptly backs away. His face has become an expressionless mask, and all at once, I’m freezing cold.
“Jase—” I say, but he turns on his heel without a word and leaves me standing there.
* * *
I’m confused when I finally crawl into my bed. Confused, tired, and hurt. Even if I would never admit it. I’m hurt because he just left. He made me feel things that I haven’t felt for far too long. And then he just stopped. It feels like he’s taken something away from me.
Once more, I can’t fall asleep, even though it’s almost four AM. I desperately need to sleep, but I can’t. Despite Jase’s rejection, I can’t stop thinking about the kiss, and when I think about the kiss, my whole body starts to tingle. I can feel his lips on mine again. I can feel him moaning in my mouth...
My eyelids flutter shut.
His body pressed against mine, his hardness against my stomach. His hands on my skin. I heat up, my heart starts to race, and my fingers take off on their own, wandering under my pajama shorts and into my underwear. I don’t think about what I’m doing. I just do it, let it happen, because I want to know if I can. If it still works. I want to be able to feel my body again. I want my control back.
I imagine that they’re his hands, despite everything. Because it can only be his fingers touching me. I sigh softly as I realize how wet I am.
His fingers, my fingers. Everything throbs, pushes, wants more, and then... everything inside me tenses up. I go cold, and mybody fights me. I can’t hold on to the feeling, and the ghost of his lips disappears. Tears fill my eyes because I’m broken and nothing, absolutely nothing, works the way it should. Because Jase wants to kiss me, but he doesn’t want me, and I don’t evenknowif I want him at all. But of course I’m lying to myself again.
I pull the covers up over my head and cry until I eventually fall asleep.
Before
Zoe
One year earlier
June25, 10:32 PM
Jase’s lips are indescribably soft. He moans, a soft, barely audible sound, and my heart staggers out of rhythm. I instinctively nestle against him, his body presses against mine, and we fit perfectly. It’s a slow, gentle kiss, new but somehow familiar.
I never want this to stop.
The thought pops into my head so unexpectedly that I lose my balance for a second. Jase catches me and lets me go, and I see a mixture of hope and pain in his eyes. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but as soon as I open my mouth to speak, he kisses me again, and all thinking stops.
“What the hell?” A familiar voice startles us, and we jump apart. Caleb is a few feet away, staring at us in shock. It takes me a few seconds to recognize the anger in his eyes, and my stomach tightens.
Shit, shit, shit!
