I dreamed about you last night. No, it’s not what you’re thinking right now! We danced together, and it was kind of strange and... beautiful. I have no clue why I’m telling you this. But sometimes I get the feeling that you need to know someone is thinking about you.
—P
My heart is racing. I’m dizzy. I feel sick.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I can’t breathe. My chest feels too small for my lungs.
I can still feel Jase’s hands on my waist. On my fingers. On my leg. His touch branded my skin, and it burns and burns.
Tears blur my vision, and I run away. I run, and I know it’s a mistake; I know I should have stayed. But everything feels unsafe, and my heart is about to burst. Not in a positive way. It beats too fast, trips, and stumbles around in my chest. I feel so hot. I’m burning up inside.
Part of me wants to stop and just curl up into a ball and cry until it’s over. But I can’t do that. Not here. If someone sees, then...
I lose my balance and just about manage to catch myself. I haveto get away. I have to go somewhere no one will find me. I’m so nauseated that I’m afraid I’ll throw up at any moment.
I’m falling apart; I can feel it. The first crack, and then the second. I know this feeling all too well. It shouldn’t be here anymore—it was gone. I was stronger than the panic.
I push open the door to the girls’ bathroom near the stairs so hard that it bangs loudly against the wall, but I don’t care. It slams shut behind me as I rush to the sink, turn on the faucet, and let cold water fill my hands. I splash it on my face and hair. I have to take a shower. I have to wash it all off.
The dirt. The shame. The panic.
I only notice I’m crying when I choke on my own sobs. More water. More. More. Until I’m completely soaked and shivering all over. My reflection stares back at me, my eyes wide with panic, my cheeks pale, and my lips blue.
Finally, my pulse is slowing again. The panic subsides. My legs give way underneath me, and I sink to the floor. I pull in my knees and hug them to my chest.
It’s okay.
Everything is okay.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
But nothing is okay. I thought I had it under control, the panic that rose up whenever someone touched me. It’s the only reason I made it this far.
Putting up with being touched was the minimum requirement that my parents and Dr.Somers set for me to be allowed to apply here in the first place. And I overcame my panic. It was just touching. Just normal touches.
But this was different. It was Jase’s hands on my body, his fingers on my skin. Those were his eyes that met mine in the mirror, so cold and hard and filled with anger that something broke inside of me. He was standing behind me, but simultaneously, he was there, back then, on that night. And then he was gone, and everything fell apart. Suddenly, everything was too much, and nothing was right.
But there was something else beneath the panic: a sense of longing for him. Words ready on my tongue, an apology that would mean nothing without an accompanying explanation. A tingling on my skin, a single beat that my heart skipped. A brief moment, and then I lost control. I lost control over my feelings and myself, and the panic crashed over me like a wave, ready to pull me down and drown me. It stole my breath until nothing was left.
I forgot what it was like to fight it. I felt too safe, too sure that I had overcome it. I mercilessly overestimated myself. With my whole body shaking, I close my eyes, trying to pull myself together because I must. I must not fail, not on the first day, like this.
This is my dream. This school. Ballet. If I lose this... then everything will have been for nothing.
* * *
Somehow, I manage to sneak back to my room unnoticed. I’ll have to throw away my ballet slippers after walking across campus in them, but I don’t care. I need to shower and change. And then I have to come up with a solution.
I have to talk to Francesca and give her an explanation that has nothing to do with the truth. I have to rescue what I can.
I switch to autopilot, checking off one item after another on my imaginary to-do list.
Take a shower.
Don’t lose your nerve.
