More importantly, why am I letting her get under my skin? I thought I’d buried any feelings I had for Avery, so I could get on with my life, pretending that what we had never happened. But it’s like her presence in town is bringing up all of those feelings, and I feel wildly out of control.
Running my tongue over my teeth, I set my bottle on the kitchen table a little harder than needed and head in the direction of the stairs, intent on getting some answers tonight.
Avery has walked back into town, and for the first time in a long time, the ground beneath me doesn’t feel so solid. I hate that she’s made me feel weak and unsure. I thought I was stronger than this.
It’s not lost on me that the last time Avery was here, sitting down to eat with us all, we had plans for our future. Now, I’m expected to sit, play nice, and try not to choke on everything we could have been. On the life I could have had, if she hadn’t walked away like what we had meant nothing to her.
9
GRAYSON
We’re outside in the backyard; the moon is shining bright overhead in the clear star-studded sky as a small fire burns in the drum we’re seated around. It’s been hours since we finished dinner, and while everyone’s been chatting amongst themselves, I’ve been watching and cataloging every second of my family interacting with Avery like her departure twelve years ago was nothing.
I’ve been biting my tongue, remembering my mom’s words from earlier and my promise to be kind. It’s why my contribution to the conversation has been nothing more than a few murmurs here and there when asked a question.
If you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
There’s been a lull of steady chatter ever since we settled in around the fire, but Gracie takes it upon herself to call out across the circle and ask, “So, Ave, how come you’re back in town?” as she pulls on the sleeves of the hoodie Reed gave her when the chill set in earlier in the evening.
Avery dips her chin, tucking her hair behind her ear, and I hate how I know exactly what that move means: she’s embarrassed.
She takes a moment before speaking. “I missed home.” Her gaze flashes to mine before she finds Gracie’s again. “But I also missed myself. It’s hard having to live up to the expectations of someone else and not having any autonomy over your own life. Ya know?”
Gracie nods in understanding, and the thought that my baby sister doesn’t feel as at ease with her life as she should settles in the pit of my stomach like a bucket of failure. I make a mental note to check in with her later, when nobody is around, because having Gracie feel like she doesn’t own her own life is the complete opposite of everything I’ve been working so hard for.
A hush falls over us before the back porch screen slams shut and disrupts the quiet. Wyatt appears, a cooler in his hand and his signature boyish grin on his face. He ambles down the steps, lifting the cooler higher as he approaches. “I figured we were running low, and since Mom’s gone to bed, we can really let loose.”
I huff out a laugh, my first of the evening, and shake my head even as I reach into the cooler for a fresh beer. Wyatt walks around the group, and I watch as he reaches Avery. She shakes her head, standing and brushing her hands down the front of her jeans.
Tonight, she’s wearing a plain white T-shirt, haphazardly tucked into her waistband, with her hair in wavy curls that fall down her back. Her face is practically free of makeup and it makes her look like the girl I used to know. The one I fell in love with in the hallway at school, the one I told my best friend I’d marry. If only I’d known what she’d do to me, maybe I would have stayed away.
“I should get going.” She looks around at the familiar faces, skipping over mine. “It’s getting late, and it’s a long drive back to town.”
“No one’s stopping you,” I mutter before I can stop myself.
Kade and Reed shoot me a look. Gracie and Autumn, as in sync as ever, pause mid-sip.
Guilt assails me, but I lock it down, remembering exactly how easy Avery made it look to walk away all those years ago.
If my words sting, she doesn’t show it, and for reasons I don’t care to acknowledge, that pisses me off even more.
Instead, she smiles softly, directing it to everyone but me. “Thanks for having me. The food was amazing as always.” She pauses, picking up her bag and slinging it over her shoulder. “I guess I’ll see y’all around.”
I slot my bottle into the holder on my chair and stand. “I’ll walk you out.”
She freezes before nodding and springing into action, hugging everybody and saying goodbye in low tones. When she’s finished, we head toward the driveway in silence.
The night air bites as we leave the fire behind us, or maybe it’s just the feeling of being this close to her again that’s nipping at my skin. As we walk around the front of the house and her car comes into view, I feel her eyes on me.
“Thank you for tonight. I know you didn’t want me here, and I hope you know that if I had any choice, I wouldn’t have come.”
I grind my jaw, my focus on the outline of the mountains in the distance. “What I want’s got nothing to do with it, Avery.” The quiet accusation hangs heavy between us, and when she doesn’t reply, I face her and say, “You can say all you want about missing yourself, but you don’t get to come here and act like my family is yours.”
Her expression falters before she rights herself and nods sharply. “You’re right. I’m sorry if that’s how you feel. I know I hurt you, Gray.”
Hearing her call me that nickname is like a gut punch of loss. It winds me, leaving me with an ache in my chest. Yes, my family calls me it all the time, but she was the first. She was the one who made it stick. A memory of her whispering it against my neck, her voice desperate and needy, nearly brings me to my knees, but I stuff my hands in my pockets for something to do that isn’t reaching out for her.
Avery busies herself with unlocking the car and holding the door open. Before she climbs in, she meets my eyes again, the lack of light making it hard to see any emotions in the depths. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry for what I did. If I’d have known what I was giving us up for, I’d never have done it. But you can’t stand there and act like I didn’t ask you to come with me, Gray. Like I didn’t beg you to love me more than you loved all of this.” She throws her arm wide before shaking her head and climbing into the car, shutting the door with a quiet finality.
