I followed him to the door, every instinct screaming for me to stop him. I stayed quiet anyway because I didn’t want to make things worse.
In the foyer, he turned. His face was blank, but his eyes were too bright, wet at the corners. “I should go.”
My eyes stung. I touched his shoulder, and for a few breaths, he placed his hand over mine. His palm was warm, and he gave a single squeeze.
All the words I’d held back wanted to come out.Stay. Don’t go. I love you.
But I let him walk away.
Cold air rushed in when he opened the door, but he didn’t leave right away. Instead, he held my gaze and opened his mouth as if to say something. Then he closed it and looked at me.
I was frozen in place, hoping he’d change his mind, but failing to give him a reason to stay.
He stepped outside and walked to his car without looking back. I gasped and stumbled to the window. My heart pounded so hard I couldn’t hear anything else. His taillights glowed red at the corner, then disappeared.
That was it.
I pressed a trembling hand against the glass as silence closed in on me. My knees gave out. I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor, curled up with my arms around my stomach, trying to hold myself together. The heat clicked on, indifferent to what had just happened. Every heartbeat reminded me I was still there, even though everything that mattered was gone.
What did we do?
The question hurt even without an answer. I buried my face in my hands, tears leaking between my fingers, before I realized I was crying. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. The jagged sobs shook my whole body.
My stomach twisted so hard I cried out before jumping up and stumbling down the hall. I barely made it to the bathroom before I was on my knees retching. At first, nothing came up, and then everything did. I gripped the toilet and heaved until my ribs ached and my hands slipped on the porcelain.
When nothing was left, my body shook as I sagged onto the floor. The cool tile against my cheek soothed me, and for a moment I could breathe again. Then the hot, relentless tears came back.
Not knowing what he wanted was the worst part. After everything we’d shared, I let him go without asking where westood. Had he asked for space because he needed time, or did he already know he was done? The thought tore me apart.
My ex surfaced out of nowhere. She’d always smiled adoringly in pictures but ignored me in real life. I loved her, so for a while, I was blind to what was going on. She stayed long enough to buy a fancy wardrobe and expensive jewelry, but I wasn’t good enough. She walked away as soon as someone richer and shinier came along.
Love is temporary, and I’m replaceable. Why would it be any different with Nix?
Another sob escaped me. I pressed my forehead to the floor and cried until I ached all over. Eventually, I dragged myself into the shower and turned the water as hot as it would get. It burned my skin, but I stayed there, letting it pound against my shoulders, neck, and the back of my head. It didn’t help. Nothing would.
When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned off the water and found a towel. After pulling on sweatpants and a hoodie, I went back to the foyer. I placed my hand on the door and imagined him standing on the other side, hand raised, about to knock.
But he wasn’t there.
“I’m not ready to lose you,” I whispered.
I kept my hand on the door, hoping that staying there might bring him back. But I knew it wouldn’t. He was gone, and I’d done nothing to stop him. I’d let go of the person who mattered most, and I didn’t know if I’d ever get him back.
38/
nico
I started falling aparton day three. For the first two days after leaving Buffalo, I lied to myself. Pack was tired, locked in for the Lynx series. I convinced myself the silence was only temporary, something we’d laugh about soon, stretched out on his sofa, chirping each other for being dramatic.
By the third morning, the lies stopped working. The gray early light matched my mood. The knot in my stomach was still as tight as it had been when his house disappeared in my rearview mirror. My phone sat face-down on the nightstand where I’d put it last night, as if that would stop me from checking it all night. It hadn’t.
I couldn’t resist looking at it before I got out of bed. My eyes stung when there were no notifications, texts, or missed calls. Desperate to understand, I opened our thread and read our last messages. They were from late in the day after I left Buffalo.
NICO: Wanted to let you know I made it home okay.
I’d had so much else to say and was writing more when his reply came in.
PACK: Really glad to hear that. Thanks for coming. We’ll talk after playoffs.
