“Nah, this one I know.”
“Take that attitude into the rest of your days, and I’ll be a happy maker, Nikolo.”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I manage to squeak out a thank you.
“Think nothing of it. Go home. Rest, think about what I’ve said and no more causing scenes at work. Or I’ll have to send Frederick there to spank you.”
“Oh no. That would beterrible. I’d hate that.”
“Insolent shit. Behave. Or don’t. Just have fun. I’ll send you some funds sometime soon.”
That could be any time from tomorrow until sometime next month. At a good couple of centuries old, Laurence’s concept of time isn’t great.
“Talk soon?”
“Of course. Good luck, my darling.”
Laurence hangs up before I say goodbye, like he always does. It’s perfect timing because I’m almost home.
Blessedly, as I let myself into our apartment, I realise Kai’s not home. Considering neither of us are working tonight, there is an extremely good chance he’s with Finn and I have the place to myself to stew in silence abouteverything.
I grab a bottle of blood on the way to the bathroom, finishing it while I fill the tub. I down another one while I soak in the bubbly water and let my thoughts chase themselves through my head. Around the second time I refresh the water, my phone vibrates on the counter. I have to dry off my hands to open it, and almost drop my damned phone in the bath when I see it’s a message from Egbert.
Egbert
Nikolo. I hate to message you like this; you know that. But I’ve been chatting to Willan. He wants to talk to you. Normally, I’d shut that shit down faster than you could blink, but I know you two were close enough as kids. And I know he’s a good lad. He’s not out to cause you trouble. I’ve told him I’ll pass along his number, but not to hold his breath. The ball’s entirely in your court, kid. No skin off my nose if you ignore him and go on your way.—E
A second message sits underneath the first, with a contact card for Willan. But before I can even process what the fuck is happening, another message comes through.
Oh, and I’ve been meaning to message you anyway. Kroy said you took a charm from something that was donated to his shop. He said you were pretty excited about it. Know that if you ever want anything from the shop, or just to come on in and have a look about, you’re more than welcome. If you need me to open later so there’s no one about, I’m happy to do it. Whatever you need.
There is a definite shake to my hands as I lay my phone carefully back on the counter. Reclining back in the bath, I slide down until my chin is at water level. I really want to dunk myself under entirely, but I don’t know if I have the emotional strength to deal with getting my curls wet right now.
What the fuck is happening with my life? Internally, my mind is screaming, while on the outside I stare blankly at the white tiles of the bathroom.
The bath gets coldagain,so I empty out half the water and refill it once more and grab another blood. I need extra hydration for all this thinking.
Once I’m settled in the safety of the water again, I’m feeling less like a smashed egg. I even have something that feels remarkably likereasontingling around the edges of my consciousness.
Back when I was first getting my shit together, living with Laurence in his villa with his collection of lost beings, I spent a lot of time with Ezra, Laurence’s lover at the time. He taught me a lot, probably a lot of things that I should have learnt when I was a kid about things like emotional regulation and that kinda thing. He’s the one who got me started doing stretches when I first wake up in the morning—something Ihaven’tbeen doing for the past couple of weeks. He said a simple routine will keep me grounded and in tune with my body.
In those early days, I was a bit of a mess and had a lot of guilt about the way that I’d acted before. Sometimes it felt like I wasobligedto keep going because I always had. Ezra taught me to reframe my thoughts, taking them out of the negative tailspin I was in and giving myself some perspective. Obviously, it’s a skill I lost over the years. Or if I was going to try to reframe them, it’s a muscle I let get weak.
So, with literally nothing to lose, I give it a try.
Maybe, I consider, cupping the last of the bubbles in my hand and watching them slowly pop, I brought this on myself somehow. Not in a bad way. But maybe that feeling, that yearning that’s driven me to collect tiny pieces of the past and stow them away, maybe that triggered something in the universe.
Maybe it’s not the universe or the Gods punishing me or trying to test me or anything shitty like that. Maybe it’s happening to answer that itch that’s been growing inside me,and maybe it’s happeningnowbecause I’m ready. Because after everything, I’m finally ready to open the door between me and the past and maintain whatever boundaries I feel ready for.
Maybeif I don’t take the Gods’ more subtle hints, they’ll start clobbering me over the head and my life really will go tits up.
Okay, it might be arrogant to think that the Gods have so much time to waste on me of all the beings in the world. But once I try to look at the whole thing with some kind of objectivity, it’s all starting to feel like a giant neon sign blinking ‘NIKOLO STOP BEING A GIANT DUMB ASS’. Those kinds of signs are dangerous to ignore. It never ends well.
Which means not fighting it anymore and just… rolling with it. Whateveritis.
Beginning with meeting Willan.
Soon.
