I brace myself for the wave of stomach-churning anxiety and complex emotions that comes from thinking his name. And it comes, flooding my arms and legs with a hot, heavy feeling that makes my fingers tingle.
With my newfound resolve—flimsy as it is right now—it doesn’t feel as all-consuming or devastating as it did before. And by the time that I crawl into bed after watching several hours of trashy reality TV and drinking enough blood to give myself a rosy flush, I’m feeling more myself than I’ve felt in longer than I like to think about.
The rattle of keys outside the door has me tensing in my deep stretch. Forcing my muscles to relax, I flow through the movement, moving into my next pose just as Kai unlocks the door and strolls on in, Finn right behind him.
I was a little nervous this evening, and I realised that today was a brand new day of being my new self. Well, my new old self. Or my new, older, newer self? I don’t know. I just knew that today was the day that I had to make the choice not to continue the way I was going.
My first step was sending a text. To Willan. I deliberated over the wording for a solid fifteen minutes before I typed out a quick message:
Egbert said you wanted to talk. I’ll be free at 4 am. Meet me at the Rusty Nail? Nikolo.
It’s a bullshit time. And yeah, maybe I suggested it because I’m not entirely over my wayward ways and I want to test how desperate he actually is to catch up. But also, there’s a staff meeting at Bloody Temptations tonight, and I’m probably going to be there a while, grovelling for forgiveness from the security staff whose jobs I’ve been making way harder than they needed to be.
“So. You’re home.” Kai says, kicking off his shoes. Through my legs, I can see Finn’s eyes dart back and forth from Kai’s defensive pose to my doubled over, twisted up self. “Wasn’t sure if you’d be here.”
“Well, here I am. Been here since pretty much first thing yesterday.” Slowly I unfold and roll to standing, shaking out my fingers, aiming for casual and calm. Kai’s pissed, understandably so, really. My behaviour behind the bar has put him in some tricky spots recently, where people have thought my newfound ways extended to him, too. “Spent the night in the bath. Watched some TV.”
Instantly Kai relaxes. He nods and throws himself on the couch with an emphatic, “Good.”
Finn, unfortunately, is confused about the dramatic change in tone.
“When Nikolo needs to get his shit together, he has a bath. Sorts his brain out.” Kai explains, reaching over to grab Finn's arm and yank him onto the couch with a little yelp. “That means you’re ready to talk about it?”
“Yeah, I think it’s about time.” I don’t particularly want to have this conversation wearing only a tiny pair of briefs, so I quickly slip on my discarded oversized tee shirt and throw myself on the couch.
“Um, cool. I’ll just go—” Finn begins, standing up against the weight of Kai pinning him down. I smile at him. It’s a tight line of a smile but more than a grimace.
“Nah. You don’t have to go, Finn. For starters, I owe you an apology. And well, it’s just going to save time when Kai gives you the rundown later.”
Kai doesn’t look remotely ashamed; he just shrugs and settles Finn in even more securely against him and then nods to me to get started.
“Finn, I’m sorry I’ve been a massive dick to you.” I launch right in, somewhere around the middle. Understandably, Finn is somewhat confused, his face puckering up and his brows drawing in. “At Hearts Gate. And really before that even. At first, it was just that I had some reservations about you and Kai, but mostly it was about me and some old stuff from my past coming back up, and I took it out on you. It really wasn’t okay. I’m sorry.”
Finn’s face relaxes, a soft blush creeping into his cheeks. “It’s fine, water under the bridge. We never have to discuss that night again. Seriously, ever. It doesn’t exist.”
I let out a soft laugh, and Kai squeezes him tight. That night wasn’t Finn’s finest moment; his self confidence battled the booze, and the booze won that round. I have no doubt he wantsto forget the epic drunken meltdown he had, but hey, he got a killer job out of it so it wasn’t all bad. And now, he and Kai are happy as Larry.
“Right, well, I’m happy to never mention it again. But I’m sorry, and I hope that we can move forward or whatever.” Becausedespitethose earlier reservations, Finn's a decent guy. And he’s good for Kai.
“Like I said, water under the bridge.” Finn reassures me with a genuine smile.
“Why’d you do it, though? I’ve been thinking about it, and you were off even before we went out. And all this shit since… it’s not you.”
I can’t even begin to tell him how good that is to hear, even if I’m about to shatter that image for him. It’s not that I’ve never told Kai anything about my past—that would be super fucking weird. But I’ve always given a super heavily revised edition. Like, he knows that I was a mage, and I left the clan younger than usual and had a bit of a wild time partying before finding Laurence and turning. The thing is, there was always enough shiny, super fun and exciting details to cover up the less than stellar ones.
“It’s probably more me than you know. Or at least, it was.” I tug at the neckline of my shirt, shifting on the couch. Usually, I love attention. Right now? Not so much.
“Okay, so Kai, you know I left the clan when I was sixteen, right? And that Willan isfromthe clan?” Both of them nod, eager for me to just get on with it. “Right, well, I didn’t leave the clan under amazing circumstances. It was more like when we boot a patron who’s getting a bit rowdy at the bar. Like, you can leave of your own accord, or you can leave by force. Naturally, I chose to leave on my own.”
“Why? What happened?” Kai asks, leaning forward and dragging Finn with him.
“I, uh, was best friends with Willan’s brother Aleksi. His family is incredibly respected in the clan, and his grandfather’s on the mage council. My family, not so much. We’re just the nobodies, ya know? Aleksi, man, even as a kid, he was always exceptional. It was a given that he was going to be on the council, probably even the clan leader. All the praise… it kind of went to his head.”
“He was an asshole?”
“A massive one. We both were. But whereas I got my ass handed to me regularly for the shit we got up to, he always got away completely clean. He was untouchable.”
“What shit did you get up to?”
