Something in Eli snapped.
I could almost sense it. Like whatever it was that broke sent out invisible shock waves, rattling my ribs.
That, in turn, broke me.
“I can’t be kept a secret, Gabe. I just can’t.” His leg bounced up and down. He rubbed the back of his neck, already pink with the chill in the air. “I went through a four-year relationship, and I was let down at the end. I can’t be let down at the start this time.”
His words hit me hard. And only because they were so damn true. Elijah had been through it with his last relationship. He’d opened up to me about what happened between him and his ex, but I knew that was likely only skimming the surface of the fucked-up shit he’d been through.
I didn’t interrupt him, though. He wasn’t looking at me any longer. He had his gaze straight ahead, pinned on the shimmering lake. We were off to the side of the main event, the bench sitting on a path that led down toward the shore. We could hear the laughter of the kids and smell the sugary hot chocolate but were otherwise alone here.
“I’d be a dumbass. I would. And as much as I consider myself one sometimes, I don’t want tobeone. I want to change. I want to be happy. Safe. Not uncertain about a touch or a look or a comment. I don’t want to live like that, Gabe. And I understand your reasoning, I do, but it almost makes it seem evenmoreimpossible.”
He was on the brink of tears. I could hear the pain in his voice. It tore me apart. This hurt more than having Viktor’s canines tearing into my shoulder. Losing my parents was a very singular, all-encompassing pain that could never be surpassed, but seeing Eli hurting because of me was up there.
I wanted to reach out and put an arm around his shoulder. Wrap him up against me and tell him it’d be okay.
But… what if someone saw?
My breath came in ragged tugs, like my lungs were cluttered with debris and needed to work harder to suck in oxygen.
He was right.
I was wrong.
I wassofucking wrong.
“I just don’t think I can do this, Gabe.” He shook his head. His hands were clenched tight in his lap, knuckles pressing together hard. “I thought I could. I thought I could handle this. But I can’t. It’s all hitting me at once, and it’s just, it’s so much. Too much.”
Eli looked more shaken than the night he’d discovered shifters were real. I was losing him, right in front of my very eyes. It had become a big fear of mine these past few months. Something that I’d have nightmares about, waking up in a sweat after running through endless woods, shouting his name at first before howling at the mooninstead.
I didn’t want that nightmare to become a reality. I physically wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’d become accustomed to having Eli sleeping over my place, waking up in my arms, driving with me to the gym, training with me in practice, playing his fucking ass off with me on the iceandon the bed. He was a well of knowledge when it came to one of my biggest interests, and he fit in perfectly with my pack.
Most importantly of all, he wasmymate.
Losing him would destroy me.
It couldn’t happen.
“I’m sorry I’ve hurt you in my cowardice, Eli. I want to say that, first, but I also want to say that I never want you to call yourself a dumbass again. You’re so fucking smart, and I never doubt for a second you don’t have your shit together. You aren’t a dumbass. Far from it.”
He chewed on his bottom lip. He still wouldn’t meet my gaze. I reached over and placed my hand on his knee. He went completely still. Like he was a deer that realized it was grazing right next to a hungry wolf.
I wasn’t sure if my words were getting through to him, but I knew that my touch would.
“Eli, I’m telling you now, I made a mistake. I realize that. I thought I could have both. The secrecy and the love. But those two things can’t coexist together, I see that now. I see how painful this is, and I know it won’t get any easier. It’ll just get harder. It has been for me. I’ve been wanting to be affectionate with you in public, and I hate the fact that I can’t be. That I can’t post a picture of us online or take you out on a date around town.” I shook my head, moved my hand higher so that I could rest it on his. There was the crunching of sneakers on rocks and dirt as someone approached. I could feel Eli get tense underneath my hand. He tried to move it away, but I closed my griparound him. He lifted his head and looked into my eyes curiously.
“I’m done. I’ll deal with whatever fallout, whatever amount of attention, I get from this. But I don’t want to hide anymore. Not with you.”
“Really?” he asked, almost in disbelief. A couple of kids bolted past us as they were trailed behind by their parents, all of them wearing some form of Bobcats merch. The mom and dad waved at us and smiled. I noticed the mom’s eyes drop down to our hands, and her smile ticked up a little further, her wave a little friendlier.
She was so going to text her group chat the second she was out of view.
If that wasn’t enough proof for Eli, then I didn’t know what…
Actually…
An idea struck me like lightning falling out of the icy-blue sky.
