“It’s not that at all.You must know I am very grateful for all you’ve—”
“Gratitude makes a poor bedfellow,” he said.Bedfellow?He swore silently at himself again.He was making a right mess of this, his first proper proposal.
She stared at him, as if a little shocked and he felt instantly remorseful, because of course he hadn’t meant it literally.“But there, I won’t press you.If you have taken me in dislike...”
“No, it’s not that at all,” she said quickly.Her blush rose again.“You have been everything that is kind.If I ...if I had never married before, I would ...”She broke off, shaking her head.
“Were your marriages so distasteful?”he asked gently.
She sighed.“Yes...no.It’s not as if my husbands—either of them—were especially cruel or treated me harshly.It’s just...”
Marcus waited.There were more kinds of cruelty than physical violence.Caging a wild little bird, for instance.
She stared at him a moment, then took a deep breath and said in a low voice, “I am not fit to be a wife.To anyone, let alone a man like you.”
“A man like me?What’s wrong with me?”
“Nothing,” she said.“Nothing at all.I’m the one who’s all wrong—me!”
Marcus waited.She was pale, and her fingers were knotted, her knuckles white with tension.The conversation was obviously distressing her.A gentleman would not press her further.A gentleman would accept her refusal and change the subject.But Marcus wasn’t going to be a gentleman, not this time, when so much was at stake.
“In what way do you think you’re ‘all wrong’?”he asked gently.
She sighed again.“I was never a good wife.Oh, I was obedient enough, and faithful and did everything that was required of me, though it was very hard for me at first.Well, you know how I was raised as a child.I was half wild and I had no idea how to be a wife.Holgrave, my first husband, had to work very hard to train me.”
Train her?he thought savagely.Like a dog?She’d been fifteen, still a child.And her so-called ‘wildness’ had been charming.
“But even though I did what they told me, l—I was not happy being a wife, not with either husband.”She met his gaze, sending him an anguished silent message.Was she talking about the marriage bed?
Looking down, pleating the fabric of her skirt in restless fingers, she said, “I could never be a good society wife—I hate all that.I don’t like entertaining and, and people looking at me, and I know as an earl you would need to hold grand events and important dinners.But I dislike balls and parties, and I am hopeless at polite conversation, and I—”
He cut her off.“I feel the same.I dislike most society events and attend them only out of duty.I would never ask you to play the grand hostess.Having a few close friends around for dinner, yes, but not if you didn’t like it.”
She shook her head.“That’s not all.You—you don’t understand.”
That was true.He waited.
She smoothed the crumpled fabric of her skirt and added in a low, desperate voice, “There is something broken inside me.”
Broken?Her spirit, maybe—her family and those husbands had obviously knocked the confidence out of her, but Marcus was sure that deep inside her, beneath the careful, smoothly correct facade, some remnant of that wild, joyous little girl still existed.He’d glimpsed it on their rides.
“I don’t believe it,” he said gently.
She shook her head emphatically.“It’s true.”She rose and took a few agitated steps around the room, then turned and said in a burst, “I am barren, a barren wife twice over.And a man in your position needs children, needs an heir.”Her eyes burned, her fists were clenched at her sides in white-knuckled knots.
Ah, so that was it.That explained her anguish, and her shame.As if the ability to bear children was her only value.He made a dismissive gesture.“I don’t need to marry to get an heir.I have two brothers who are my heirs, both married and their wives are breeding.”
Her forehead puckered.“Don’t you want children?”
“Of course, children would be welcome, but if they don’t come, I would accept it.I would never blame you.”He paused to let that sink in, then added, “But how do you know you are barren?”
“Two husbands and I never quickened.”
“Two husbands, both of whom were very old.”
Again she shook her head in denial.“Hewitt had a friend who was only a year younger than him, and his young wife presented him with a healthy son.Hewitt was desperate to do the same and he tried and tried, but every month...”She swallowed.“I was a grave disappointment to him.”
“Then he was a fool.Marry me and I’ll give you a child—” He broke off.“I’m sorry, that was unforgivably arrogant of me.What I should have said is, marry me and we’ll leave the question of children in the hands of God, where it belongs.I won’t mind either way.I don’t want a brood mare, I want a wife, a companion, a friend.”And a lover he added silently to himself.He didn’t want to alarm her.If she hadn’t enjoyed the marriage bed...
