Another sob bursts out of me, and I squeeze my eyes shut. God, I really do feel silly right now. I’m not even crying because I’m sad; I’m crying because I’m experiencing so many emotions that my soft heart doesn’t understand which to process first.
“Thank you for saying that.”
“I will hype you anytime you need to hear it, babe. You know that. “
I exhale shakily. “My entire life, I’ve wanted to fall in love. I spent my teenage years with my head buried in a book, reading about the most beautiful, epic romances. I’ve read a thousand different stories of people falling in love, about meeting their soulmates because the universe—no, because fate tethered them together. And you know what I love about love? About the books I read? It’s the overpowering reciprocation.” I swallow. “It’s about not only loving someone wholly, completely, with every fiber of your being, but being loved thesameway back.”
I didn’t mean all of this to come spilling out of me the way that it is, but it’s like now that the door has been opened, all of my worries and fears and hopes are just pouring out, and I can’t stop them.
“Len, what if I’ve fallen in love with Wilder… and he’ll never love me back? What if this is my own all-consuming, once-in-a-lifetime romance, and… it’ll never truly be mine? I’m terrified to love someone who might not ever feel the same.”
“Would it change the way that you feel? If Wilder couldn’t give you the same that you give him, would it make you love him any less?” Lennon asks softly, her bright green eyes flickering with empathy.
I know the answer even before she finishes asking the question.
My heart would be broken from taking the beating of a lifetime, but my love for him, those little pieces he’s given me, would still be woven into the bruised and battered organ.
It wouldstillbe his.
Even though I haven’t given an answer, she adds, “Love isn’t a choice. It’s not a decision. It’s not something you can turn off and just walk away from. I understand being afraid, Mais. But what if Wilderdoesfeel the same? What if all of those unexpected emotions and feelings that you’re experiencing… he is too? Even if love isn’t something he wanted or planned for. He won’t be able to turn it off or walk away, just like you couldn’t.”
It makes sense.
Everything that she’s saying, I want to hold on to, believe in it the way I have in every love story I’ve ever read.
It’s just harder when there’s something real at stake.
And it’s the most important part of you.
“It just feels like sometimes I can’t get through these walls he’s built. They’re impenetrable. It seems like a lifetime of pushing everyone as far out as he can. But then there’s the smallest crack, a tiny fissure in the concrete that plants hope in me, and every time it spreads, that hope grows. Every time he gives me a piece, I tuck it away.”
The night he was sick. The other night at Jack’s. The diner after.
All the precious pieces that showed me there’s so much more to Wilder than I ever imagined. But…
“What if he’s too closed off, Lennon? What if I can’t ever get through? What if he doesn’t want me to?”
She sighs, and understanding moves over her face, softening the furrow between her brow. “You know, this is like someone I know too.”
I’m confused for only a moment until her brows lift, and then I realize who she’s talking about.
Saint.
“Speaking from experience… Sometimes the only way they have to protect themselves is to shut everyone and everything out. It’s the only defense they have from a life that’s done nothing but hurt them. And it’s not that they don’t want to love or to be loved; it’s that they don’t think they deserve it.”
My heart twists when I think of Wilder, and I wonder if that’s the way that he feels. Does he not think he’s worthy of love?
What’s hurt him so badly? Or who? Was it his mother? Is that why he grew up in the system?
“I love him, Len,” I say, my tears finally drying and something fierce blooming inside of me and replacing my worries. “Even though it’s scary, and I might get my heart broken. Even if he doesn’t feel the same.”
She drops her forehead against mine and quietly breathes with me as the thoughts scatter in my brain.
“You’re the bravest, most determined girl I’ve ever met, and love is meant to make you stronger, stronger than you’ve ever been before. Maybe this is the way your story’s been written, Mais. Maybe instead of being saved by the hero,you’rethe one doing the saving.”
I can’t help but wonder if I’m strong enough to withstand the battle for Wilder’s heart.
To face whatever is holding it hostage within those walls surrounding it.
