‘Do you feel awful?’
She nodded slightly.
I pulled the chair over from the corner of the room and sat down next to her.
‘I’ve been thinking about what you asked me,’ I said. I took a breath. ‘I’ll do it.’
Nelly breathed in sharply. She felt for my hand and squeezed it tightly.
I leaned over so I could speak into her ear. ‘Morphine,’ I said in a low voice. I looked up at the metal stand where a glass bottle was dripping fluid into Nelly’s vein. ‘I thought about putting it into your fluids …’
Nelly shook her head.
‘No, I know that wouldn’t work. I changed my mind. I’ll inject you.’
I felt Nelly relax. ‘But I need to know this is what you want. I thought we could come up with a signal so if you want me to stop at any time, you can let me know.’ I thought about that. ‘Maybe hitting the bedclothes with an open hand like this?’ I showed her and she copied.
‘That’s it. Do that if you want me to stop.’
Nelly nodded.
‘I can’t do it today because I need …’ I paused, trying to collect my thoughts. ‘I need to prepare myself. And I think it’ll be easier when I’m working.’
Nelly nodded again.
‘But I brought the book and I thought you could tell me what you want to say to your mum?’ I felt tears prick at my eyes again as I thought about Nelly’s mother, across the Irish Sea, worrying about her daughter and knowing she’d never see her again. ‘If you tell me, I’ll write down the message.’
Wiping my eyes, I tried to sound efficient. ‘Shall we get started then?’
Being cautious, I’d sealed the pages where I’d written Nelly’s request. But now I opened it again so she could use her alphabet.
Slowly she tapped out her message, and I wrote it down. “Mammy, I am sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye,” I wrote. “I love you all very much.”
‘They love you too,’ I said to Nelly. ‘I know that from your mum’s letters, and her stories about your family. They love you so much.’
A tear trickled down Nelly’s cheek.
‘And so do I,’ I said. ‘I love you too. You’re the best friend I ever had and I don’t know what I’ll do without you.’ I was crying properly now. I wiped my eyes again and tried to carry on. ‘When Billy died, you were there for me, looking after me. And you always make me laugh. And you taught me how to put kohl pencil round my eyes and how to get the last bits out of a tube of lipstick.’
I looked down at my handkerchief clenched in my fist and leaned closer to Nelly. ‘Nelly, I think I might be expecting,’ I said in a quiet voice. ‘I think I’m having a baby.’
Nelly’s eye widened. She took my fingers in hers and squeezed.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ I said. I’d not properly let myself think about this added complication yet. It seemed too huge to contemplate, but it also seemed like a tiny chink of sunlight on a very dark day. And I wanted Nelly to know.
Nelly reached for the book again. I held it up and she tapped out the word. “L … I … V … E,” she spelled. “For me.”
‘I will. I promise.’
Nelly’s chest was heaving in a way that looked very painful and she was making a sort of whimpering sound in her throat. ‘Don’t get upset,’ I urged her. ‘Please don’t. I didn’t want to make you sad. I just want you to know that I’m a better person because I knew you. That my life is better because you were in it.’
I sniffed, searching in my pockets for another handkerchief because mine was soggy with tears, and feeling the little bottles of morphine clinking together. ‘Thank you, Nelly,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry my baby won’t know you. I’m really going to miss you.’
I leaned over and kissed her head, and she stroked my hair awkwardly with her good hand, and then I left her room without looking back.
Chapter 34
Stephanie
