Present day
‘We know it’s a shock,’ the policewoman said gently. ‘But Mr Russell is going to be all right.’
‘What happened?’
‘He was turning left out of a junction. There was a queue of traffic on the opposite side of the road and someone decided to nip out on to his side of the street. They would have hit him head-on if he hadn’t reacted so fast. As it is, his car’s a write-off, but we’ve just had word that he is okay.’
‘Head-on?’ I said faintly. ‘How badly hurt is he?’
‘Cuts and bruises, I think. A bang on his head and a broken arm from yanking the steering wheel.’
I put my hand up to my head, thinking about how fragile life was. ‘Why did you come here?’ I asked. ‘I’m not his next of kin or anything. Why me?’
The policewoman smiled at me. ‘He was unconscious when the ambulance arrived, and yours was the most frequently callednumber on his phone. I think they’ve tracked down his mum now, though.’
‘Okay. Good. Where does she live?’
‘She’s on her way from Manchester, apparently.’
‘We can take you to the hospital,’ the policeman said. ‘Drop you off.’
‘No thank you. I’ll get some bits together and then make my own way.’ I forced a smile. ‘Thank you for coming to tell me.’
I showed them out and then went to sit on the sofa. I was shivering though the day was warm.
‘Head-on,’ I muttered to myself. Head-bloody-on. Finn could have been badly injured. He could have died. Sudden nausea overwhelmed me and I sprinted to the bathroom where I threw up violently.
When my stomach was empty of last night’s pizza and wine, I sank down against the wall of the bathroom and cried and cried. I wasn’t ready for this, I thought. I wasn’t ready for the feeling of liking someone and risking that those feelings could be taken away. I was too fragile, too raw.
Feeling weak and pathetic I got up from the floor and went into my bedroom. I took off my dressing gown, put on my pyjamas and crawled into bed, but the sheets smelled of Finn, so I got out again, pulled the sheet off, and put a clean one on. I didn’t have the energy to change the duvet cover, so I just flipped it round.
Huddled under the covers, I messaged Blessing telling her I had a tummy bug and couldn’t come to work, then I did the same to Tara. Both of them replied saying I should stay away for twenty-four hours, and I was glad.
Then, hating myself, I messaged Finn. “I’m sorry,” I wrote. I pressed send, then I blocked his number and deleted him from my contacts, like the big old pathetic coward I was.
I pulled the duvet right over my head and went to sleep.
*
I didn’t leave the flat for an entire day and night. I heard Micah come in at one point. He knocked gently on my bedroom door and I called out to him. ‘I’m sick,’ I lied. ‘Don’t come in, you don’t want to catch it.’
‘Should I call someone?’ he asked. ‘Let someone know?’
‘No,’ I said through the door. ‘There’s no one.’
Eventually on the second day, I knew I had to get up. I gave myself a little pep talk. Finn wasn’t dead. This wasn’t the same as what had happened with Max. Finn wasn’t hurt. And nothing bad had happened. Except for me realising I wasn’t really in a good place to start a relationship. I was too messed up. I had to let Finn go and that way it would all be okay. I just hoped I wouldn’t bump into him at Tall Trees. I thought I might ask Blessing to put me on evenings and nights for a while, just so I could stay out of his way.
I did, though, still have Elsie’s book. I knew I should return it. I was working later that day so I’d just have to bite the bullet and give it back.
But first, there was something else I needed to do.
Micah’s suggestion of writing to Max had stuck in my head. I couldn’t stop wondering if he was right – if it would make me feel better. This thing with Finn and the police turning up had brought back all the horrible feelings of that time, and I thought that perhaps I should write them down.
Maybe I’d never send it, but I felt I needed to get the thoughts out of my head.
I got dressed and sat down on the sofa with a notepad and pen.
“Dear Max,” I began. And then, much to my surprise, the words just started to come, flowing on to the page more easily than I’d expected.
