When the day shift arrived and we had done our handover, I went straight back to see Nelly. I was hoping desperately that the book had shown up and that Jackson had done as he had promised and delivered it to Nelly’s ward.
To my relief, he had – or Frank had. The book was on Matron’s desk when I arrived. I felt dizzy for a second with gratitude that I didn’t have to see Jackson again and I gave Matron a huge smile.
‘The book’s here,’ I said.
‘That new porter brought it.’
I made a face and she nodded. ‘He’s a bit strange, isn’t he? Looks at you like he wants to eat you.’
Sour bile rose up in my throat. ‘Can I see Nelly?’ I said in a strained voice. ‘How is she?’
‘Go on in. She’s had a bit of an unsettled night. The night matron said she was quite distressed.’
Bracing myself, I went into Nelly’s room, with the book tucked under my arm. ‘Morning,’ I said.
I could see she was agitated immediately. Her hand tapped on the bedclothes and her eye was wide open.
‘What is it? What’s the matter?’ I went to her side and held her hand. It felt cold. ‘Are you warm enough? Do you need another blanket?’
Nelly moved her head slightly saying no.
‘Can you tell me what’s wrong?’
I took the book and opened it to the page where I’d written the alphabet, holding it up so Nelly could see. Straightaway she started tapping the letters, her hand moving so fast that I couldn’t keep up.
‘Slow down,’ I said. ‘Let me write it.’
I took a pencil from my pocket and as she tapped on the letters, I wrote them down.
“Dying,” she tapped. Again. My breath caught in my throat. It was so horrible seeing the word on the page.
‘Your injuries are very severe,’ I said, sounding more like a professional than a friend. I tried again. ‘Dearest, you’ve been hurt so badly.’
Nelly tapped the page once more. “Scared,” I wrote down.
‘I know.’ I stroked her cheek gently. ‘Me too.’
“How long?” she tapped.
I couldn’t lie. I knew she would know and that would upset her even more. ‘A few weeks.’
A tear fell from her eye and she tapped furiously at the page.
‘Hold on,’ I said, scribbling down the letters. ‘Let me catch up.’
She tapped again. I wrote down: “Kill me.”
‘Nelly …’
Urgently she tapped the page where I’d written her message.
‘Nelly, you don’t mean that.’
She nodded slowly and deliberately. “I do,” she tapped. “It hurts.”
‘I’m a nurse, Nell. We can’t take a life – you know that.’
She tapped again. “Friend.”
