“I hate going out in the sun because I burn so easily, but that doesn’t mean my body doesn’t still need vitamin D.”The corner of his mouth ticks up in a smirk, and I’m so relieved that he’s coming back to himself that I let out a soft chuckle.
His reasoning makes sense.However, needing physical touch doesn’t stop me from getting overwhelmed at the thought of even shaking someone’s hand.“Okay, so then what do I do about it?”
“You were okay with hugging me.”
“So?”
“So I can help.I’ve been told I’m an excellent cuddler,” he says as if it’s the simplest and most normal thing in the world to offer.Except everything I’ve learned over the past twenty-seven years of my life about how friendship is supposed to work tells me it is absolutely not a normal suggestion—especially for a friendship between two guys.
Friends don’t cuddle each other.That’s something reserved for relationships—not that I have experience with that firsthand.I’ve never been in a relationship, at least not an adult relationship.After getting my autism diagnosis at eighteen, the prospect of dating and finding someone I could feel safe actively unmasking around became way too intimidating.Although if I were ever to be in a relationship, it would be with a man.That man just wouldn’t be Parker, even if he is the first guy I’ve felt comfortable being my unfiltered self around in a long time.He’s straight.
My face must be betraying my confusion because Parker squeezes my arm again.“What are you thinking?”
I take a deep breath and blow it out, letting the pressure of his long fingers wrapping around my arm ground me.“Cuddling is for people in relationships,” I say, deciding to leave out the stuff about my lack of dating.
“Not necessarily,” he says, and I can’t help frowning.He chuckles, then continues.“Platonic cuddling is allowed if we want.”
“Do you want it to be?”
“If you do, then sure, why not?”he says with a shrug.
Do I want it to be?I don’t know.I think… maybe?
As for why not?There are probably a dozen reasons not to.But it’s becoming harder to ignore the sensory overstimulation of my damp jeans or the confusion over why Parker seems to be the exception to my discomfort with physical touch.
“Can I think about it?”I ask.I need more time to process everything.
He nods and lets his hand fall away from my shoulder.“Yeah, of course.Take all the time you need.”
Chapter 2
Parker
Song: Bros by Wolf Alice
It’sbeentwodayssince I suggested the platonic cuddle arrangement.
I know I told Reid to take his time, but he hasn’t brought it up since, and I can’t help worrying.
I’ve been trying to keep busy so I don’t obsess.Moving my body, or at least having an idle task to do with my hands, usually helps keep intrusive bullshit at bay.Although, I’ve been careful not to fall into one of my compulsions as a way of dealing with the anxiety that I irreparably damaged our friendship with my offer.So cleaning of any sort has been off-limits.I also have resisted the urge to backtrack on the offer or badger Reid to make sure he doesn’t think I crossed a line.
Logically, I know that if I’ve done or said something to make Reid uncomfortable, he would tell me—he’s not one to hide his feelings or to be passive-aggressive.Out of everyone in my life, he’s the one person I can count on to say exactly what he means.But that doesn’t stop the voice in the back of my mind that doesn’t sound like me.
Intrusive thoughts are a bitch like that.
The semester is over, so I don’t have any studying to do.And I don’t have my old front desk job at the physical therapy office either.When I decided to go back to school, my boss was supportive and said my job would be waiting for me over the summers.She also said I was welcome to pick up shifts during the winter break between semesters, but I decided not to.I wanted to give myself time to rest and recharge, which seemed like a great idea at the time, but now I’m regretting it because I have nothing else to focus on.
So instead, I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft.My sister would probably call it a little childish, and my therapist might argue that it scratches the same need for organization and control that cleaning does.But it’s fun, at least—way more fun than a bunch of little blocks has any right to be.It’s also kind of cozy if you play on peaceful mode, which I do.I have zero patience for dealing with creepers that might destroy something I spent hours working on.
I’m sitting on the couch, trying to find my way out of a cave, when Reid comes into the living room.He’s changed out of his work clothes into what he refers to as his “inside clothes”—usually grey sweatpants, fuzzy socks, and some form of cozy sweater.Since it’s December, his cozy sweaters have been holiday themed, all gifted to him by his grandma.He thinks they’re all ugly, even if they’re cozy, which is why he never wears them outside of the apartment except when he visits his grandma for Christmas.I would say it’s a shame, because some of them are absolute gems—like the T-Rex wearing a Santa hat one he’s wearing now—but I also kind of like that I’m one of the only people that gets to enjoy seeing how adorable he is in them.
He also seems to have showered, judging by the way his dark brown hair seems more tamed than the usual fluffy, un-styled look he has.I must have been laser-focused on the game because I didn’t hear the shower go on at all.
“Hey, how was work?”I ask.
“Quiet.”He gestures to the TV.“Minecraft again?”
I nod.“I’m almost finished making that castle if you want to see.”
