There’s a settling in my chest, the same feeling I get when Reid tucks himself into my side on the couch.
Oh.
Yeah, I think I might…
There’s a knock, and I nearly jump out of my skin as Reid says my name through the door.“Parker?”
“Yeah?”I call out.
The door creaks open, and Reid pokes his head in.“I wanted to see what you wanted to do for dinner,” he says, then he frowns.“Is everything okay?You look upset.”
Of course he notices.He thinks he’s not good at reading people, but sometimes I think he can see straight through me to my soul.I’m tempted to blurt out everything swirling around in my head.But what if I do, and he doesn’t feel the same so it scares him away?I could lose him.Or what if it doesn’t scare him, but it turns out that this is only an OCD spiral and I really am straight?If I tell him about this freakout and end up being wrong, I could hurt him.That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do.No, I can’t say anything until I’m sure.I’d rather lose him forever because he doesn’t feel the same than ever cause him a moment of pain because I wasn’t sure of my own feelings .
So I lie, even though I’ve never done that with him before.
“I had a long day and have a bit of a headache.I’m okay,” I say, hoping it’s convincing.
He frowns and comes fully into the room.“Well, do you want me to make dinner so you can lie down?Or we could order in, then spend the evening decompressing on the couch?”
My stomach twists.I want nothing more than to curl up on the couch with my head in his lap, but I can’t.Not right now.I don’t think I can even be around him right now because all I want to do is grab him and just… fuck, I don’t even know.My head is a mess, and actually, itisstarting to give me a bit of a headache.
I guess that means I’m not completely lying to him.At least not about that.
But I need him to leave so I can figure this sexuality crisis out.So I lie again.“Actually, I’m not all that hungry, so I think I’m just going to get into bed.”
“Oh,” he says, and that one syllable is like a sucker punch to my already twisted-up stomach.His expression doesn’t change much, but I know him well enough by now to read his disappointment.
Fuck, I hate disappointing him.And I really hate lying to him.I promised myself that I wouldn’t do that to him.But I don’t think I can afford to beat myself up over that right now.I need to talk this out with someone, and as much as I wish I could do that with him because he’s my best friend, I obviously can’t.
“Sorry,” I say because I can’t help it.
“No, it’s okay.I understand.I hope you feel better.If you need anything, just text me, okay?”He waits for my nod, then leaves my room, quietly closing the door behind him.
I wait until he’s far enough away from my door that he won’t hear me before pulling out my phone.Quickly, I navigate to my favorite contacts and tap my sister’s name.She picks up after three rings, but I don’t even give her a chance to say hello before I blurt out, “Amy, I need your help.”
Chapter 7
Parker
Song: I Belong in Your Arms by Chairlift
It’sbeenaroughcouple of days.My mind has been so loud and busy that I haven’t been able to focus on my classes or sleep well.I have technically been sleeping, but for the past two mornings, I’ve woken up more tired than when I went to bed.I guess having a sexuality crisis over your roommate will do that.
Thankfully, Amy has been an enormous help—although when I called her two nights ago to freak out over my potential attraction to Reid, she didn’t even bother pretending to be surprised by the development.Apparently, she clocked my crush on him months ago.Her “knowing older sister” thing is usually annoying, but in this case it was almost a relief.If my feelings for Reid were so transparent to two separate people, even when I was oblivious to them, it was unlikely that I was making them up or secretly gaslighting myself into them.But she listened to me ramble and has spent two days talking me through the mess in my head as I’ve attempted to process my sexual awakening as fast as humanly possible.I haven’t come to any definitive conclusions about how I identify other than “not straight,” but I am sure about one thing: I have feelings for Reid.
That it’s only been two days since I saw him for longer than in brief passing and I miss him like fucking crazy is pretty damning proof of that.It’s not just that I find his general nerdy librarian vibe incredibly attractive.I want to take him on dates, hold his hand in public, and wake up next to him (again).I really want to kiss him and find out how his facial hair feels scraping against my cheek… or in other places.That particular thought I did not discuss with my sister.It also led to a bit of a rabbit hole exploring a section on a site I only pull up on incognito mode, a section that I’ve never had the guts to click on before.It was… illuminating, to say the least.
So, yeah, I definitely have feelings for Reid, and I’m going to tell him.
Amy told me several times I don’t need to tell him about my feelings right away—that I could just tell him about my vague queerness and see if it changes anything between us.But I know myself.That newly-discovered aspect of my identity and my feelings for Reid are so intrinsically linked that I would end up blurting it out anyway.It’s better for me to plan to tell him both pieces of information from the beginning.
I’ve already planned what I’m going to say.I heard Reid get home about thirty minutes ago, meaning he’s probably had enough time to change into his inside clothes and decompress a little.So there’s nothing keeping me from doing this other than my anxiety.
Okay.
Breathing deeply to steel my nerves, I stand up from the foot of my bed.
I can do this.
