The sad, watery caverns in his eyes stared back at me. There were deep, purple bags under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in all six days he’d been silent. “Can you sit?”
I looked around, trying to find the best place to do so. He nodded toward the toilet, so I put the seat down and sat on it. I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t think I needed to. I didn’t think I could, actually, if I wanted to.
He looked down at the water, wading one of his hands through it. When he spoke, his voice sounded rough from all the crying. God, he looked so fucking tired. “When I was fifteen, I started dating this girl. She was nice. And very pretty. I mean, she was nice for a while, anyway. It’s always the same story, isn’t it? They’re fucking perfect until they’re not, but by then, you’re already so deep, you don’t realize there’s a way out. She got mean. She got physical. Hitting me, calling me names, leaving bruises, but making me hide them—just an evil bitch.”
I wrung my hands together as I listened, trying to calm the rising anger in my gut. This was the person he was talking about before.
“Anyway, that was fucked up. But one thing she always wanted from me that I wasn’t ready for was sex. I think, deep down, I knew she wasn’t a good person. I was never ready, you know? So, one day, we’d been dating for almost a year. I was sixteen. We went to this house party of some friend of hers. I didn’t fully trust it, because I didn’t trust any of her friends, but I wasn’t given an option. I got a couple of bruises for refusing at first.”
Water dripped into the tub, slowly making waves in the red water he sat in.Drip. Drip. Drip.“I’d never been drunk before, but she had. It was all the rage when I was sixteen. Getting drunk and doing dumb shit. So, when she handed me a cup, I didn’t think anything of it. Until it turned into shots of vodka. And then a whole cup of it. I got drunk quick, being a lightweight and it being my first time and all. At one point, I told her I couldn’t drink anymore. I couldn’t handle it. I was stumbling around, the world was spinning, and I was so sure I was gonna throw up and embarrass myself. She got all sweet and shit, told me we could go lie down in her friend’s bedroom.
“Me, being as drunk as I was, I didn’t think anything of it. Once we got to the bedroom, I immediately flopped onto thebed. Worst feeling of my life. Being so off-balance while I wasn’t even standing.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “She came back with a shot of whiskey. I told her no. I was pretty fucking out of it, though.”
He leaned back in the tub, resting his head against the wall, his eyes still closed. I was holding onto my composure for dear fucking life, hoping I wouldn’t break something. Trying not to demand her name so I could go ruin her fucking life. I was scared.
Scared of what happened next, as if I was the one who lived it. But I wasn’t. And that was even worse.
“Three of her friends came in and held my arms and legs down while she forced my mouth open and poured the whiskey down my throat. I almost choked. I told her to stop after that, but it must’ve been slurred. Maybe she heard ‘keep going’ instead. She told me she wanted to have sex. That I needed to lose my virginity, and this was the best time to do it because I probably wouldn’t remember.” He opened his eyes, staring right at me. “I remember enough.”
Water poured from between his fingers, trickling down as he held his hand up, studying it. I stayed silent. I didn’t dare interrupt him. “She got on top of me while her friends giggled and kept me still. She struggled for a while since, you know, I wasn’t hard because of how much I’d drunk. She still tried, Em. She tried for a long fucking time. I was crying and screaming, and nobody helped me. But her friends helped her. She succeeded eventually, but she said it sucked. I mean, I wonder why, really.” He huffed, the sound echoing off the walls. “She got what she wanted. Her friends got to watch and help. I can still feel all their hands on me, trying to help position me so she could use me. I can still hear them laughing and egging her on. Right after, I threw up. All over myself. But I was too drunk to move. Too stunned to even try.
“I started to choke and one of her friends said, ‘ew, he’s getting it all over my bed’ and turned me onto my side. And then they left me there. The girl broke up with me after beating me up for a few more months and trying to get me to have sex with her again. She told everyone I was a bad lay.” He looked back up at me. “I don’t get under anyone, Em. I don’t drink. I don’t go to parties. I started cutting myself. I tried to kill myself, which obviously didn’t work because I’m still here. Still suffering. But I don’t want what happened to me to happen to Star. And I know the fucking signs of domestic abuse. I know them very intimately. And I never noticed it with Elio. I’d missed it.”
Silence. I was stunned to fucking silence, barely even able to see Moon through the hazy, watery film that was slowly trickling down my cheeks. My Moon. My brat. “Did you tell anyone?”
“Fuck no. Never. You, her, and her friends are the only ones in the entire world who know.”
“So you’ve just been carrying this around? For fifteen years?” I tried to stay strong. I tried tosoundstrong, at least. But I was fucking losing it. Losing my goddamn mind over just how much hurt he’d gone through.
He shrugged as if it meant nothing. As if it was fine. As if his pain wasn’t worthy of being voiced. “What was going to change? I was the easy kid. Not the exceptional one. I was the funny clown at school. Not the liked one. She’d ruined me already. There was nothing left to save.”
“But you weren’t ruined, Moon. You were hurt. Can’t you see that?”
“Hurt? I was hurt? No, Em, I was fucking destroyed. I thought the world was one thing, and suddenly I knew exactly how deep the evil went in humanity. I was ashamed. I was scared. I was confused. By the time I figured out it was rape, two years had passed, and at that point, what else was there to do?Nothing. So I tried to be the best big brother I possibly could, and I couldn’t even do that.”
I ran a hand over my hair, gripping the ends in disbelief. “Couldn’t be a good big brother? Moon, your siblings fucking love you. You have done nothing but be there for them. You have done nothing but be strong for them. You are allowed to not be strong for once in your life.”
He shook his head. “No, all I’ve done is fail. Can’t you see that? I tried so hard to make sure the horrors of the fucking world didn’t corrupt any of them, and here we are. Elio was abused, Crescent tried to kill himself, and Star won’t talk to me! And, let’s not forget this part—I killed two people!”
“In defense of your brother, whom you protected.”
“I killed Jude with my bare fucking hands and don’t regret a single second of it. I’d do it over and over and over again, but his face won’t leave my mind. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve let it get to me. That’s a failure in and of itself.”
I stood from the toilet and bent down by the tub, looking up at him. “Of course it’s gotten to you. If it didn’t, I’d be worried. And you know damn well how hard it is to spot well-hidden abuse, Moon. You’ve hidden it for fifteen years.”
“Not when you know what it looks like.”
“Especially when you know what it looks like.”
“I should’ve known. I should’ve been there.”
“Elio wouldn’t have let you be there. He didn’t let Crescent. He didn’t let your parents. He left to keep up the lie, Moon.”
“Red flag.”
I looked him straight in the eyes, never blinking, never averting my gaze. “It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.”
He just stared at me.
