I had almost an entire square of space between my slowly healing wounds and where my tattoos began, so it was always a game and gamble of where I could start, and when I’d have to end. There was some space just beside the scab that’d bled earlier, perfect for me to ruin. If I bled for her—for them—would it absolve my soul of any staining?
My hand, ready with the blade, hovered over the spot hesitantly. I waited a moment, not sure if I was ready. When I was a teenager, it’d been easier, somehow. There was so much hatred and shame inside of me that I desperately needed to let out, and this had been the only way I knew how to do it. Now, years after I thought I’d broken the habit, I was back on the bathroom floor, considering just how deep I could go. How far could I slice before I’d need to call someone? How much could I handle by myself, and how much was too much to deal with? How deep of a cut would it take to use the entire roll of toilet paper beside me, and would I even survive it?
Back then, I didn’t think I had too much to live for. Being a big brother wasn’t enough to deter me from thinking about how easy it would’ve been to end my life. It was now, though. That, and the fear of joining my victims in hell.
I jolted when my phone dinged, the sound echoing through the small bathroom, bouncing off the walls and back to me. Ilooked at the blade in my hand, just barely hovering over my thigh, then looked at my phone. There was a choice to make. Ignore it for my selfishness so I could pretend nothing else existed around me, or give in to curiosity. I made the choice, picking it up and reading the text message.
Elio
Dude, Star is a mess. What happened?
My head fell back against the wall behind me, making a satisfyingthunknoise. Of course, she was. I’d yelled at her, and from her point of view, nothing I said made any sense. She didn’t understand, nor would she ever, because I’d never tell her.
Me
Just want her safe. That’s all.
Elio
I get it. She seems really hungover so we’re going to let her sleep it off in the spare bedroom. She might benefit from an apology tho.
Me
I won’t apologize for trying to correct her outrageous, dangerous behavior.
Elio
Outrageous is a bit far no? She’s still young bro. We’ve all made shitty decisions and had to learn from them.
What couldn’t they understand about the situation? Why was everyone so against me?
Me
Like when I found you guys in that no trespassers field, drunk out of your minds when you were, what, sixteen?
Elio
Yes exactly. If we’d gotten caught we would’ve had to learn.
Me
I protected you guys from getting caught, though. You didn’t learn shit.
Elio
We learned a lot because of you but we also learned a lot because of life bro. You think we listened to every piece of advice you gave us? Fuck no.
Me
If something had happened, your tune would be a lot different.
Elio
No it wouldn’t be. We wouldn’t have blamed you or expected anything other than support from you. I’m not sure where your head is at with this but you’re being a bit much. I love you but you can’t wrap her up in bubble wrap.
Me
Maybe someone should.
