Could he not see or feel the pull I had toward him? It was inexplicable. It was like I was always meant to find him in this lifetime, and I had no clue why. There was a deep, intense need to keep seeking him out. I’d never felt anything like it. “I know you’re selfless to a fault. I can see how much you love your siblings. I know your heart is good. I know you’re struggling more than you let on, but you won’t reach out even when help is offered. I know I want to know you better. Is that not enough?”
Moon walked to his bedroom door, wrapping his hand around the knob. When he turned his head, I looked straight into his sad, almost dull eyes and I knew his words were nothing more than a lie—to me, or himself, I wasn’t sure, but it was a lie, regardless. “No, it isn’t. You can head out now. I’ve got it from here. Thanks for everything you did tonight.”
And then he opened the door, only to close it right back in my face. I was alone again, in someone else’s room, surrounded by someone else’s life. There was nothing else to say, and nothing else to do. I wasn’t sure of much of anything, but I was sure I couldn’t let Moon go. I’d answer his calls, make sure he knew I was there, and support him no matter what.
I wouldn’t try to change his mind, just as I wouldn’t try to change his path. But I’d be there, time and time again, ready to catch him if he fell, as long as he let me.Ifhe ever let me.
Chapter Six
Star was still sittingon the couch, her empty plate thrown onto the coffee table. She slid down the arm of it, pressing her back into the cushion, and covered her ears with her palms. “I’m not listening to you right now. You’re being irrational. I can’t even hear you over the pounding in my head.”
She was going to be the death of me. I just knew it. Mom and Dad had her simply to spite me and give me an early grave from nothing but anxiety. “I want you to share your location with me at all times.”
“What? No! I’m a grown-ass fucking woman!”
“Oh, yeah? So grown up that you can’t handle your liquor and somehow go out with some of the lousiest friends you possibly could’ve?”
“Fuck you! They aren’t lousy.”
“They left you, Star! They left you when you needed them the most!”
“You know what? Fuck this. Fuck you. I’ll go to Crescent and Elio’s house. Maybe they will treat me better than this.” She stood from the couch, swaying on her feet when she’d done it far too fast. “See if I ever call you for help again.”
I sighed into my hands as I rubbed them over my face, seriously exhausted by how much fighting we’d done. She checked her pockets, pulled out her phone, and marched straight to the front door. I followed after her, holding my hand out. “Star, wait. I just want to protect you.”
She turned on her heels, staring up at me, though it felt more like she was staring down with how angry she was. “Protect me, or suffocate me into a little bubble where you can control everything I say and do?”
I stood, stunned, for a moment. A moment too long. A moment I’d never once dreamed of happening in my life. I stood there, frozen, as my little baby sister threw my front door open and slammed it shut behind her.
Everything was so dark, still. I’d tried my best to accommodate the raging headache I knew she had by pulling all the blinds shut and turning the lights off. I’d even turned the air conditioning off so that the added noise couldn’t bother her. But then I’d yelled at her. Multiple times.
I thought back to everything Emerson had said before he left. Before everything went to shit, and I was stuck handling the aftermath alone. I scoffed at the memory. What nerve did he have to tell me how to handle my own sister?
Sure, it sounded like he understood and knew what he was talking about, but that didn’t mean he understood our dynamic specifically. There were so many memories tied to my fears for her, and he just couldn’t grasp the intensity and reality of them.Not that he ever would, anyway, because I was fucking done with him. Nope. No way was I letting him back in like that.
The second he saw deeper into my soul than I’d meant for him to, I should’ve done something, or said something, to get him to back off. I shouldn’t have let him keep going for as long as he did. I shouldn’t have looked him right in the eyes so he could see all the pain and turmoil trapped just beneath them, but I did. I had let Emerson see pieces of me that no one else had ever seen, for the second time since meeting him. What were the fucking odds?
I didn’t bother turning the lights back on or opening the blinds to let any sunlight in. I wallowed in the darkness, finding solace in it. There, I could keep to the shadows that threatened to swallow me whole. They were friends of mine and enemies of Crescent. The Miller family really knew their way around the dark and all the creatures within it, I guess.
I’d failed my sister. Truly, I had failed her by trying to do the opposite of that. I had failed her by being too much and apparently not explaining the importance of safety to her from a much younger age. I had overlooked it, thinking she would be smart and safe simply because she was my sister, and she was intelligent and educated. I overlooked her, just as our parents had overlooked me—just aseveryonehad overlooked me. I’d tried so hard not to be seen that I’d become completely invisible to everyone around me.
There were so many chains with locks surrounding my mind, body, and soul. No one seemed to have the key I so desperately needed to escape the cage I was locked inside. There was a boy just beneath my surface who was crying out and waiting for someone to take him away from all the horrors life had subjected him to, but all anyone saw was the man he’d inadvertently turned into.
Years of terror loomed over me like a rain cloud, following me all the way to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me, despite being alone in the apartment. I rolled my sleeves up, staring at the maroon shade in the mirror in front of me. It wasn’t quite dark enough to match the shade of blood that’d splattered beneath me six months ago, but it was close. I trailed my finger over the material, feeling the dry texture, whilst thinking about how sticky and clumpy the blood was that night. There was enough to seep beneath my skin, into my veins, and straight into my DNA, changing it forever. I’d torn two souls out of the living realm and dragged them into the depths of Hell.
Peeling my shirt off, I threw it to the floor and turned my head slightly, staring into the mirror. I carried Jude’s mark with me everywhere I went. Just three deep, jagged scars on the side of my neck where he’d been gripping for dear life, trying to take me with him.
I carried Jude’s mark, where Sarah never got to give me one. Another unfair call to justice, justifiable by the ethical, moral gray of the courts. As I stood in place, frozen in a time that didn’t exist anymore, I realized I had failed again. I had failed my brothers by letting it get to me so much. I’d failed my sister by not doing enough. I’d failed the world by not killing those bastards sooner. I’d failed teenage me by letting myself get into that fucking mess all those years ago.
I’d failed. Over and over, I’d failed. I’d walked in another man’s blood, let it mix with mine, and allowed it the ability to ruin me.
If I had to wear Jude’s reminder, it was only fair and justifiable that I wear Sarah’s, too.
My back slid against the wall as I fell down to the floor, right next to my shirt and pants I’d taken off. In one hand, I gripped a new blade, pristine and unused—perfect and pure. In the other, I held a full roll of toilet paper, just in case.
The top of my thighs was still covered in scabs and older, healing scars from past inflictions. One of the fresher wounds had started to bleed earlier when Emerson had knocked on the door, forcing me to think quickly. The small ones always bled the most, taking far longer to stop than the others. I was running out of room at this point.
Just below the tops of my thighs, I had all of my gorgeous, precious artwork I’d spent years and thousands of dollars getting tattooed into my skin. I refused to cut over them so far, wanting to preserve the happiness inked into them.
