I want to rewrite the past.
I growled as I pressed the sensors to the wires in one of the tunnels, feeling a sense of familiarity. It had been four days since I’d learned about Monqilcolnen’s inner fire, and I was still… Annoyed, I supposed that was what I felt. It was difficult to put the emotion I was experiencing into a single word.
Leaning back against the opposite side of the service tunnel, I closed my eyes. I’d broken our agreement about sleeping in his room once a week. Monqilcolnen had to be upset. I missed him so badly.
If you had told me I would crave Monqilcolnen’s presence before this trip started, I wouldn’t have believed you in the slightest. It had been something I would’ve consideredimpossible, but everything had changed in a very short amount of time. Monqilcolnen had dug under my scales and burrowed into my skin. There would be no excising him from me without doing irreparable harm.
I needed to speak with him, and yet I didn’t, because the annoyed feeling remained. I didn’t want to injure him with callous words. Also, what exactly was I mad at him for?
Yes, he’d kept something from me—something important—but I hadn’t even known him then. Monqilcolnen had made the best choice he could in the moment from his perspective. From my viewpoint, I looked at the situation much differently. I had been so alone and having Monqilcolnen would’ve ended my loneliness in an instant. He would’ve given me a place to belong, which was something I’d always craved. He could’ve been my home.
With a deep breath, I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. My work required my attention, and this issue with Monqilcolnen could wait. I dragged the lighted tip of the sensor over the exposed wires, fixing the power surge NAID had detected. It was slow work, but it consumed my thoughts as I tweaked and realigned, glancing at my screen resting in my lap.
Done, I moved onto the next task, and then the one after that, and the one after that until it was the middle hour and time for me to take my scheduled break.
I slid from the tunnels and smoothed my dark blue uniform. I’d made plans with Urgg and Seth earlier, to make up for me missing our original lunch and ignoring them for the last four days. We were to have lunch at Mistress Kel’yeena’s noodle shop, as usual. Seth did love his predictability. I was glad he’d picked there because I needed the soothing familiarity.
The promenade was busy as usual, bustling with people who were shopping, eating, and simply walking around. I weaved through the crowd, all while keeping an eye out forMonqilcolnen. I wouldn’t put it past Urgg and Seth to set me up with seeing him when I didn’t want to. The two of them might not know what had happened between Monqilcolnen and myself, but they had to be aware of the tension—pretty much everyone was. Even Dilvonsil had pinged me to talk about it. Monqilcolnen had been off and his xapher was concerned about us.
Pausing briefly, I shook my head. No, Seth and Urgg wouldn’t do that. They were my friends. They cared about me. Even Urgg, who’d been very smug about the two of us getting together, would never do that to me.
When I arrived, Seth and Urgg were sitting at our regular table. Seth grinned when he saw me, and Urgg greeted me so boisterously that everyone glanced in my direction. I squeaked, my shoulders rising and tail curling around my ankle. I ignored the looks as best I could and headed straight to them. Seth gave me a half-hug, and Urgg slapped my back.
“Greetings,” I told them, taking my seat.
“How are you?” Seth asked, eyes narrowing in obvious concern.
“Perfectly fine.”
Urgg chuffed. “I doubt that. Monqilcolnen has been moping around, according to Talvax. So if he’s miserable, it means the two of you are not together for some reason you’ve chosen not to explain. If you’re not together, how can you be fine? I’ve seen how you look at him.”
My tail strangled my ankle as I shook my head. “I’m not fine.”
“I thought not,” Urgg replied.
Seth leaned closer. “Talk to us.”
My eyes roved over them. They, plus Edith and Bobbinvoxlyn, were my family. I wasn’t alone anymore. I took a deep breath and poured out my soul, telling them everything that had happened. “I don’t understand my anger, but I wishMonqilcolnen had talked to me back then. That he had decided to at least see if I would’ve been interested.”
“He can’t go back, though,” Urgg said, scratching their belly. “Besides, you’re together now. What does it matter?”
“Because we would’ve been together back thenandnow,” I snapped.
“You want to change the past,” Seth replied, his voice low and quiet. He bobbed his head. “I get it. I’ve wanted to do the exact same thing many times, Wyn. So many times. But you can’t. It’s pointless to waste time on what might have been. The past can’t change, only the future can.”
I closed my eyes. He was right, but that didn’t alter how I felt.
Seth continued, “That doesn’t mean you can’t be upset, but right now you have to decide how upset you are or whether you and Monty can survive this secret. Though calling it a secret seems a bit extreme. He didn’t have to tell you. Though I get why you wish he had.” He scrubbed his hair. “Damn, this is so confusing.”
It was, and I didn’t know what to say or feel.
The meal was a quiet affair. I spent most of it poking at my noodles rather than eating them. After my break was over, I returned to my work, fixing items, reprograming, and all around making sure the ship ran efficiently. But none of the tasks were enough to keep my thoughts from Monqilcolnen. I wanted him so badly it was an ache at this point.
My eyes closed. This couldn’t continue.
The instant my duty was over, I walked toward the lift and asked NAID, “Where is Commander Monqilcolnen?”
“Commander Monqilcolnen is currently located in his quarters.”
