“Remember that girl I told you about? The really pretty one that almost made me forget a line?”
Levi snorts. “Yeah, why isn’t she here? Isn’t that your job, Sid? Find the pretty girls to keep the pretty boy’s dick wet? That’s what my handler does, though I guess it’s easier for him. He can bring me pretty girls or pretty boys.”
Sidney and I stare at each other for a second before I respond. Levi isn’t wrong, he just doesn’t have to be so...Leviabout it. “That’d be great and all if she was real. I think she might be a ghost.”
“Are you talking about the blonde girl in front?” Levi asks. “She looked real to me.”
“No, I didn’t notice a blonde girl. She had long, dark, wavy hair, really plump lips, and really pale skin.”
It’s their turn to share a look, and I try to take another drink only to find my cup empty.
Well, that sucks.
“I only saw the blonde one, and she was next to a girl with more piercings on her face than you.”
I don’t have that many that people can see — just my tongue, eyebrow and septum, but I didn’t see the girl he’s talking about this time either. Only one woman stood out to me the last two shows, and all the other faces are a blur. They’re usuallyalla blur. It’s impossible to clock every face, my brain doesn’t have the capacity whether I wanted to or not. “So neither of you saw her at either show?”
Levi pops the p on his, “Nope!” before he stands to leave, and Sidney shakes his head.
”Unless you ask me to pay attention to the crowd, my eyes are on you.”
“Oh yeah? Did I look hot?” I tease, but I don’t wait for him to answer. “I don’t want you to pay attention to the crowd, that’s insane. I guess I just wanted to know if she was real.”
For a moment, Sid doesn’t say anything. He stares at Levi’s ankles as he digs his thumb into his palm, but then he looks at me. “Do you think your mind is playingtricks on you since you started talking about Sad Girl again?”
Yes.
I didn’t want to go there, but ever since that interview, I can’t help wondering if I hallucinated her all together. But if I didn’t? If she was real... where is she? Is she even okay?
“Did you believe me the first time I told you that story?”
“I believed there was a girl in your treehouse who kept you sane, yes. Did I think she was a ghost? Not really. It’s more likely she was an imaginary friend or... I don’t know. Some neighborhood kid.”
“If she was a neighborhood kid, where did she go? Where did she live? The shit she said... it’s fucked because sometimes I hope she was a ghost, because at least then the suffering she was going through was over. Her parents couldn’t hurt her anymore if she was dead. But most of me hopes she’s out there happy and has forgotten all about me and her childhood. Trauma does that, y’know? It makes you forget shit that can hurt you.”
“But you didn’t forget her.”
I forgot her name, and somehow that feels worse than forgetting her altogether.
Shaking my head, I glance down at the empty glass in my hands and slide my thumb along the cold surface. “Nah. She came to me for an escape from whatever the fuck, and I looked forward to it. Maybe that’s what my mind is doing now, looking for an escape in her the way she did with me.”
“You love your life, Bash. What are you trying to escape from?”
If anyone else asked, I’d laugh it off.
But Sid is the one person that actually hears me when I speak. It feels ridiculous when he says it like that, because I do love my life. I’m living the dream I longed for back when I’d stare at the ceiling of my treehouse, sharing my soul with people who identify and feel alone. I love my life, but it’s time I admit I’m searching for something. I always have been. “I don’t know. I’m surrounded by more people than ever before, and every time our band gains popularity, I feel more and more invisible. Less human and more like... one of those ballerinas in a music box.” The worry on his face has me straightening in my seat and releasing a deep breath. I need to salvage the night before he goes full handler mode and tries to cancel ourspring tour. “I probably just need to get laid. How long has it been again?”
I offer him a smile to show him I’m fine, but the question only seems to make it worse. “The last time I was involved in finding you someone was almost a year ago. I pay a lot of attention to you, but I wasn’t with you between tours. You tell me.”
I dodge that topic easily by flipping it back on him. “You first,” I tease. “You get some during our break?”
He shrugs, taking my empty glass from me. “Not the one I wanted, but yeah. Thankfully we live in a time when meaningless sex is just a swipe away, no matter where you are.”
“You think I can get on one of those apps?”
I think he’d actually kill me if I did, but he seems to contemplate it for a moment. “There are apps specifically for people like you,” he hedges. “For celebrities, I mean. I don’t know why you’d bother when there are quite a few people in this room alone that would sell their houses to be with you.”
I glance around the room to see if anyone catches my eye, and find multiplegirls watching me like they’re waiting for Sidney to walk away so they can pounce first. “Yeah, I think I’m going to call it a night. We need to hit the road early tomorrow anyway. You staying?”
