“Did she admit she was lying?”
“No. She doubled down and flipped it so I’m the asshole for not believing her.” And it worked, because I feel myself actually considering that she might be telling the truth. “Why do I even care?” It’s a rhetorical question no one can answer anyway, but I don’t understand why I feel so fucking connected to her even now. “I just met her.”
”Maybe,” Sidney agrees. “Or maybe you’ve known her all your life.”
I stop with my hand around the doorknob and turn to face him. “So you believe her?”
“I’m not saying I do or don’t believe her, I’m simply saying that I’ve never seen you affected like this. Not with drugs, friends, family, alcohol, lovers, fans, band mates. I believe that the universe has a funny way of weaving lives together that we’ll never understand, but ultimately, I’m not the one who needs to believe her. It’s you.” Pausing, he adds, “Do you want meto keep looking? I haven’t found much yet, but it’ll be easy enough to fact-check her story at least.”
I knew he was trying his hand at investigating, and I was hoping he wouldn’t leave that decision to me. I’d be a coward if I said no and a fool if I said yes, but I think I owe it to everyone to at least see where that road takes us. “She said she has books and documentaries and shit. Can you find one that actually shows her talking?”
He quirks his head a little like he doesn’t understand why, then nods. “Of course.”
I nod my thanks back at him and go back to the dinner, forcing a smile on my face when I sit down. They paid for my smile, not my feelings. The least I can do is give them what they came for. “What did I miss?”
––––––––
Once I get through that dreadful dinner, I take the next day to make sure everyone who paid to go got their money back for my shit attitude and question dodging, but immediately I’m notified that’s already been done. It takes multiple calls for me to find out Alaina paid all of them for me,and after I hang up the phone, I find myself staring at the wall I fucked her against.
Why would she do that?
Who is she really?
Normally, I’d be glad we have a day off before the last show so I can get some energy back and put on a performance they never forget, but this time? The break is unwelcome.
It leaves me spiraling in my own head until I’m looking for a distraction, and unsurprisingly, I find it with my drummer. Levi always has a bad idea or twelve floating around in his head.
I get so fucked up that night I don’t even remember my own name, let alone how I make it back to my trailer, but when I wake up on the floor I find myself full of regrets. I feel like shit, inside and out. I don’t usually party the way I’ve been, I haven’t in years, but I guess this is what happens when you play with ghosts.
Somehow I manage to push everything from my mind, put on a great show, and bleed out for my fans the way they deserve. I walk off the stage with tears in my eyes after seeing so many of them cry for me, because I paid more attentionto their faces than I have in a very long time. But not one of those faces were hers. Not one tear in the crowd was hers, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Maybe I should have just gone along with it?
It feels like a betrayal to my ghost, but I can’t deny the pull Alaina’s soul has to mine. I could have played along and we’d both be happier right now, but instead, I’m rushing through my shower and walking into the after party like a man on a mission to drown his sorrows.
Finding Levi is easy because he’s so loud he should have been the screamer in the band, and I plop down next to him with my hand out for the joint.
“How did you manage to get this fucked up in less than an hour?” I ask teasingly as I take a hit.
Levi chuckles. “Dedication. Sidney isn’t wound up enough yet, so it’s still a work in progress.”
Glancing over, I see him watching us with a frown and have to fight a laugh. It’s not funny that Levi puts my handler through the ringer, but itisfunny that Sid only seems to fall harder for it every time. He was born to take care of people, and ifanyone in this band needs that, it’s the drummer who never had anyone give a fuck about him.
My parents were strict, his didn’t care if he came home at all, and when I was a kid I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. They’d lie to my parents and cover so I could go get laid, making me believe Levi had it all, but as I got older I realized how fucked up it all really was.
He’s been alone his whole life just like Alaina has — if she’s really who she says she is, anyway — but if she was lying, why the hell would she pay for everyone’s fucking dinner?
Nothing makes sense anymore.
“Fuck, Bash. You’re really twisted, aren’t you?” I meet his gaze and keep my mouth shut. “What happened? For real.”
We’ve been dodging the topic and bullshitting enough I didn’t think he’d ever ask, but for some reason, I spill all of it. All the way down to the way I came inside of her, and then kicked her out with it still dripping down her thighs. Even he looks at me like I’m a monster.
“Holy shit balls.” I hate the laugh that follows so much I almost leave, but he grabs my arm before I can and holdsup his hands. “Alright, I’ll stop laughing. I just thought I was the hot mess in this group, not you.”
Fair.
A couple months ago itwashim, but now I’m not so sure anything is more messy than a hundred girls pretending they’re your childhood ghost coming back from the past.
