7
Diggs slammedthrough the doors of the war room, pissed off and feeling guilty that he was pissed off because he knew he had no right to be. For all intents and purposes, he’d broken a sacred rule, he’d put his team’s life in danger, and Reaper had every right to call him out in front of everyone. Hell, he had the right to kick him off the team if hewanted.
It seemed like no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get it right. All he’d ever wanted to do was save someone, and he had saved lives before Project Mayhem. He’d dedicated his entire existence to the military under an unwavering shield of honor and need toprotect.
And to show the world that hecould.
He was so tired of being the little man on the totem. It seemed like from the time he was born he was mocked and teased and tormented. Not that he had a bad life growing up with all those brothers to live up to. His mother and father were honorable, hard-working middle-class Americans, who thought Diggs’ brothers hung the moon. But even though they thought Diggs was a useless wanderer, they never gave him shit about it when he called home pretending to not care about anyone but himself. God, that turned his gut. What he wouldn’t give to tell them of all the sacrifices he’d made. He desperately wanted them to be proud of him, and yes it was stupid, but it was always there. This need to provehimself.
His teammates filed into the war room one by one each of them giving him a wary glance and steering clear of his immediate surroundings. They didn’t need their enhanced senses to tell he was toeing the edge. Hell, he couldn’t stop pacing back and forth down the length of the long table in the center of the room. He felt caged and restless, cornered by his ownmaking.
And when Reaper finally entered, his anger rose oncemore.
“You shouldn’t have done that in front of her,” Diggs spit out withoutthought.
Reaper stalked across the room, towering over Diggs by a good 6 inches. “I have every right to do anything I damn well please when you pull a stunt like that. I ought to have your ass, leaving the compound withoutauthorization.”
“So, what did you want me to do? Let the man beat the dog to death? Be the monster that Rainier tried to turn usinto?”
“I want you to get permission, dammit.” Reaper stuck a giant finger in hisface.
Diggs had to gnash his teeth together to keepstill.
“In case you’ve forgotten, we are being actively hunted by a ruthless, blood thirsty, power-hungry general who is smarter than nearly everyone in this room. He managed to fool the United States government for decades. He’s got his own team, spies everywhere as far as we know, and with him showing up at Dulles today, we have to assume Rainier got Hicks on the radar earlier this year in that parking garage. He knows we’re in the vicinity, and every time we step foot out of those gates we offer him the opportunity to discover our location.” Reaper dropped his finger and shoved his hands in his pockets, as if he was fighting off the urge to strangleDiggs.
“You think I could’ve forgotten? I was there too, remember? It was my fault! You think I could ever forget that even for a second?” Diggs voice dropped at the end, the terrible guilt living and breathing inside him choking off his throat. “I dream about it every night. I see it every time I look at your faces. I hear it every time I walk past Quantum’sroom.”
Reaper remained silent, completely devoid of any emotionnow.
A dam seemed to burst inside Diggs and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He’d told Reaper the truth but he’d never told the rest of the team and by God they deserved to know. If they wanted him out, he’d give them a damn good reason to throw him out on his ass and lock thedoors.
King and Juarez and Hicks were huddled together a few feet away, watching Diggs and Reaper go at it like two rabid bears ready to take out anything around them. He looked at them and lifted his chin, even though there was nothing but cold dread keeping him standing. “It’s time you knew the truth,boys.”
“Diggs, shut up,” Reapersaid.
Diggs ignored his team leader for the second time in his life. It was time to drop his own guillotine. “What Reaper is trying to hide from you is that I was in the room with Dawson when hedied.”
A deadly silence followed his words, as each man processed Diggs’ confession. He didn’t give them time to respond, he just plowed straight ahead like a drunk driver going backwards up a one-way street full of cars. “I watched them kill him. They intentionally overdosed him so they could study how his body reacted to the serum. I watched them as they monitored the last beat of his heart and then as they talked about cutting him open so they could dissect his insides and figure out how to make the formula better. And I didnothing.”
Reaper stepped into his line of sight, throwing up an unwelcome barrier between Diggs and his men as he faced the rest of the team. This was it, it was over now, and for some reason, Diggs felt oddly distant, as if he were no longer standing inside his body but standing off to the side, watching the scene unfold. And for the first time in years, he felt the smallest drop of relief. He’d been holding this secret in for so long, always trying to compensate for his mistakes even though no one knew what theywere.
Reaper spoke, “He’s telling you the truth. He was there and he didn’t stop them.” Reaper paused and Diggs tilted his head to the side studying his commander, wondering what angle he would take. His voice had gone quiet, and anyone who knew Reaper realized that when his voice went quiet, death was near. Most men yelled or got flustered when they were angry, but not Reaper. The bastard just got cold andunemotional.
The blessedly numb state that Diggs prayed for everyday.
Reaper continued, “But what he’s not telling you is that they overdosed him too. He didn’t save Dawson because he couldn’t get off thefloor.”
“Reaper.” Diggs felt his mind come crashing back into his body, the ground beneath his feet suddenly becoming solid again. Reaper held up a hand, threw a look over his shoulder that told Diggs to shut his mouth, and continued addressing the rest of theteam.
“He had a seizure, but somehow, he managed to stay conscious. Barely. He should’ve died along with Dawson or returned permanently comatose like Quantum, but he didn’t. He managed to stay awake and, in his mind, he tried to stop them, even if his body was too weak to carry out thetask.”
“Shut up!” Diggs shouted. Reaper’s words were more than he could stomach. “You don’t have to tell them I was too weak to save my best friend. They all know it. We’ve always known I’m the weakest link in theteam.”
It was Hicks who spoke up this time. Hicks who’d become his semi-best bud after Dawson’s death. “No, brother. No one on this team has ever thought of you as weak. Notonce.”
“Give me a fucking break, Hicks. I don’t have your strength or Juarez’s speed or a crazy combination of both, like King and Reaper. The serum didn’t work for me, all it did was make me a hindrance.” The words tasted like dirt lined sludge in his mouth, but he couldn’t seem to turn them off. He’d ripped a Band-Aid off the gaping hole in his soul and couldn’t put it back on. “Go ahead, Reaper, tell them the rest. Tell them how I laid there as they overdosed Quantum too. Tell them how I failed both my teammates. Tell them how it should be Dawson standing here today, and notme.”
He barely got the last words out with his throat closing up tight. His chest felt like someone had set a mountain on top of it and all he could do was stand there and wait on the punishing blow he deserved. He didn’t deserve to be part of this elite unit. Not even for oneminute.
