I swallow hard. My heart aches for Cohen. I want to be the one to spend time with him. I want to be the one to take him on adventures.
“Cohen’s an awesome kid, man,” Reuben says as we walk into the living room, sitting down on the couch. “He loves going on adventures. On Sundays, Kenna and he have their special day. Anything he wants to do, they do. He loves school. He’s smart as hell, especially with reading. Despite not having many friends, he’s a great kid when he opens up. His family is very important to him, and Kenna is a good parent.”
My heart breaks hearing this, but it’s also a little comforting. Kenna’s done her best for him, and she’s done it alone.
Reuben pauses, then adds quietly, “And he’s so lucky to have her.”
I can’t help but agree. Kenna’s been through so much. I’ve been gone, and she’s had to carry this all by herself.
“I’m thankful Cohen has Kenna as his mom,” I whisper. “She’s everything to him. And now, I get the chance to be in his life. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I want to be a part of his life.”
Reuben nods, his face serious. “You’ll figure it out, man. He’s a good kid. And you’ll be a good dad. When you’re ready.”
I take a deep breath. I’m not ready yet. But I will be.
I send Kenna a text when I get a moment.
Me
Whenever you’re ready to talk about what’s next, I’m ready.
It’s a start. It’s the first step.
I hope it’s enough.
The hours feel like days as I lie in Reuben’s guest bedroom, staring up at the ceiling. There’s a persistent buzzing in my chest, a constant hum of confusion and disbelief. How am I supposed to just wake up tomorrow and figure everything out? I’ve spent so long living in this haze, buried in regret and guilt over what happened in the past, that now that I finally know the truth, it feels like too much to handle.
I rub my face with both hands, restless, like I’m trying to scrub the last few years off my skin. My life had a before and after, and I didn’t even know where the line had been drawn until now.
I close my eyes, and the image of Cohen floods my mind. I picture the blue of his eyes that are so much like mine. His bright and curious smile is all Kenna. He sounds like the perfect little boy, and heisa beautiful boy. And yet...I missed everything. For his first steps and first word, I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there for any of it. I don’t even know what it would feel like to be his dad. How do I make up for all those lost years?
Would he even want me around? Would I scare him off just by existing?
My phone buzzes on the nightstand, pulling me from my thoughts. It’s Kenna.
Sunshine
Can we talk tomorrow?
I stare at the message, my heart pounding. I want to say yes, to reach out to her and beg for the chance to see her, to talk through everything. But I can’t. Not yet. Not until I’ve figured out who I am now that I know about Cohen. I can’t just walk back into her life like nothing happened.
Still, I can’t leave her hanging.
Me
I’m here. Whenever you’re ready.
I send the message before I can talk myself out of it, then toss my phone aside. It feels like a small step, but it’s something. I need her to know that I’m here. That I’m trying.
The next morning, I wake up with the weight of everything pressing down on me. Reuben’s house is quiet, the faint hum of the refrigerator the only sound in the early morning stillness. I roll out of bed and head downstairs, rubbing my face, trying to shake off the remnants of a restless night.
Reuben’s already up, sipping coffee at the kitchen table. He looks at me as I walk in, and I can tell he’s been waiting for me to say something.
“You good?” he asks again, his tone more understanding now. He’s been through a lot with Kenna, and I know he’s trying to figure out how to help me through this.
I sit down across from him, picking up the coffee mug in front of me, but I don’t drink. I just stare at the black liquid. “I don’t know, man,” I finally admit. “After missing so much, I don’t know how to be a father. How am I supposed to just jump in now? What if Cohen doesn’t even like me?”
Reuben looks at me for a long time before answering. “I thinkCohen will like you just fine. But you have to give him a chance. Give yourself a chance. The hardest thing is taking the first step, but you can’t let fear hold you back. You can’t change the past, but you can change how you move forward.”
