‘Hey,’ Jamie interrupted with the welcome distraction of a memory. ‘Mind that time when Dad caught us all selling drams of whisky off the house wall to try to make a fast buck? You must have been about ten, Nate.’
‘Aye. I remember his exact words,’ said Nate. ‘“I admire your entrepreneurial spirit, boys, but not your family loyalty. You’ll be paying that bottle back out of your pocket money.” I might have even tried to make a whisky sour by adding some Jif Lemon to it. Offered it to old Jean Fraser and her pal as an aphrodisiac. Oh, fucking dear!’
‘Jean always had a soft spot for you after that,’ Jamie noted.
‘She still does. Brings her dog to me all the time and I treat him for free to make up for the shame.’
The brothers shared more stories of their father and Niall found himself laughing more than crying and his mood lifting. Carli had some warming memories of her own.
‘Didn’t he say you could do better than me?’ Niall asked.
‘No, he never said that,’ Carli corrected. ‘He said, “Niall doesn’t understand himself fully yet, but one thing he does understand is love. And from what I can see, my son is head over heels in love with you.” And that is word for word because I never forgot it.’
‘Are you kidding me? He said that to you?’
There were tears in Carli’s eyes. ‘Yes, he did.’
‘And you never told me?’
‘No, I kept it to myself. Didn’t want you to feel emasculated. Or to pre-empt you telling me yourself.’
‘Jesus, Jimmy Butler, what a man. Wasted running a distillery when he could have made it big in the matchmaking industry.’ Niall scored his hand down his jaw and looked again at his dad lying under the thin hospital sheet, his breathing laboured but steady. Why did the past hurt so much? He turned to his brothers, saw his own life reflected in each one of them. These men he’d known forever, who understood him, accepted him. God, he loved them. And this beautiful woman standing next to him. His blood ran thick and fast with love for her, too. But it wasn’t possible to have both in his everyday life. And that was the soul wrenching thing, but the thing he would have to find a way to live with.
Back at the house, Niall headed to his mum’s library, in many ways as important a part of the house as the kitchen or the lounge. Not because they ever spent any time there as a family, but because it represented her, the woman she was, besides being a mother. The library represented safety for all of them, and it was filled wall to wall with shelves of love in the form of romance books. It was the place Niall had brought Carli to be alone with her, to read to her, and unforgettably, the place he’d first told her he loved her.
But Niall wasn’t going to the library for romance; today he wanted to find this thing Cal had told him about. The thing that would show him his dad was proud of him.
On the desk, Cal had said. A red book, like aphotograph album. Something his mum had put together for his dad in the wake of his illness, although Jimmy had been collecting the contents for years.
Niall scanned the desk but nothing jumped out. He checked in the drawers and surrounding shelves, but nothing resembled the book Cal had described. That was strange, although not entirely odd as his mum could have it in another room or have taken it to the hospital for his dad. He would find out and track it down. He had to.
Before he left, Niall stood in the middle of the room, soaking in the cool silence, the shelves on the back wall, where he’d sat with Carli the day he could never forget. At last, he could allow himself to smile when he looked over there because the memory was no longer bittersweet.
Chapter 27
Carli
SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO
Carli and Niall were doing maths homework in his bedroom. She was explaining how to do equations, and Niall was nuzzling into her neck.
‘Can’t I copy yours and then we have more time for hanging out? You smell like flowers, Cass. Why do you smell so lovely?’
‘Thanks. But c’mon, work them out yourself. The quicker you do that, the more time we have for hanging out.’ The truth was, she was working with all her self-control not to let him kiss her and forget all about maths. But she would do her homework because she needed to go back to Australia with as many credits under her belt as possible.
At last, they finished the equations, but it was December; the light had long faded outside and it was too cold to do anything but stay indoors.
‘What now?’ Carli asked.
‘I’ve got an idea. Come on.’ Niall grasped her hand, leading Carli along the upstairs corridor and down the backstaircase where they found themselves at the end of another long corridor.
‘Let’s go in here.’ He indicated a door, much the same as any other in the large Butler home. Ancient, wooden, panelled. A room Carli was aware of but had never been in, and she’d been in a few of the rooms in the house. This one was special, though.
‘Are you sure your mum won’t mind?’ she whispered. ‘It’s her room, isn’t it?’
‘Ach, she knows we all go in here from time to time. She doesn’t mind as long as we leave it as we found it. Come on. You’ll love it.’ Niall turned the handle.
The inside of the room was darker than a December night.
