‘I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you.’
And in that moment, all the hurt and wondering and pain that had built up in the last twenty minutes – or was it the last seventeen years – burst forth in a sob that struck Carli like a tsunami.
‘Fuck.’ She choked back tears.
He tried to come to her. ‘I’m so sorry. I hate seeing you like this.’
Carli backed away from him as the tears battled their way forth.
‘Fuck, Cass. Come here, please.’ Niall held out his arms for her to fall into. But she couldn’t go to him. Not now.
‘I can’t.’ The words were trapped in her throat. She pushed his arms down to the ground. And then she stood alone, the grief fighting for control. The waste. The complete and utter waste. She couldn’t go through it again. Because she’d been falling. Swooning over his tattoo. Telling him how charming all his annoying traits were. She had been an idiot, losing it for him without the truth first.
‘Listen. don’t make yourself sick with anger over someone you think I still am.’ There was a pleading in Niall’s voice. ‘I’m not sixteen anymore, and you’ve enough to deal with without being unwell over someone I’m not.’
‘I don’t have the energy to be angry, Niall. I’m in disbelief and grief for what could have been.’ Carli stared into the fire.
He moved a little closer. ‘Don’t hate me. I’m not worth it.’
‘I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I fell in love with you, and you lied to me, but all I’ve ever done is care about you, funnily enough.’
‘Oh, Cass. I fell in love with you too, and I betrayed both of us. I’m a fucking idiot.’
Well, she wasn’t about to deny that. Silence fell over them and the only sound was the crackling of the fire until Niall spoke again.
‘I know I fucked up. I get that it hurts. And, yes, it was me that made that hurt, but I want to make it right.’ He put his arm around her shoulder and stood flushwith her. The temptation to fall into him was almost magnetic, but she resisted as hard as she could, remaining as straight as a rake, despite her body begging to let go.
‘Do you want me to leave you for a bit?’ he asked.
She shook her head. She didn’t. Holding her was a man who’d lied when he said he didn’t love her. Which meant he had. What she’d believed was a lie. What did you do when that happened? Did you forgive? Forget? Move on?
Perhaps sensing her confusion and taking a chance that she might respond to him, Niall kissed her on the crown of her head. ‘I’m so sorry, Cass.’
She let him kiss her. It unknotted the tiniest bit of pain, but it was all she could yield to tonight. It had been a long day and exhaustion was claiming victory. She needed to rest.
‘I’d like to go to bed,’ she said, tugging away from him a little.
‘Aye, come on,’ Niall squeezed her shoulder gently before she left him. ‘I’ll sort your sleeping bag for you.’
Chapter 19
Carli
The following morning, Carli snuggled in her sleeping bag and listened to pigeons cooing outside the tent. She scanned her body for aches and pains, as she automatically did every morning. Considering the stress of last night and that she’d slept in a tent, things weren’t too bad, and light activity would be possible today. But how things would be with Niall was up in the air.
Carli understood why he hadn’t told her the truth back then. His self-worth had been at ground level, worn down by teachers, by his worries about being like his biological father. He’d have hated himself for what he’d done and couldn’t have faced her hating him too. It was selfish to keep that from her, but she understood why. His troubles ran deep.
She rolled onto her back and looked at the light filtering through the fabric of the tent. Could she let herself fall for him again? Why not make the break from him now and get on with her life? Write him off as someone from her past.
Oh yeah, just likethat.
Carli slid out of her sleeping bag, pulled on a sweater and emerged to see what was happening outside.
Niall was frying eggs over the fire.
‘Morning.’ He smiled, but a flickering in his eyes betrayed his uncertainty. ‘How did you sleep?’
‘Morning. I was comfy, thanks to the mat and the sleeping bag.’
