Ellis makes a face that reminds me of taking a shot of tequila, but Nate nudges the look away. "It's okay, Bubbles," Ellis murmurs and clings to Nate's hand.
What was already an emotional, tough conversation has been made even more complicated by me. I don't know what to do now.
Jamie rubs a hand up and down my back and hums a small sound. "Alright. Nate and Ellis are going to leave. You're shaking so while you take a warm bath, I'm going to make you some food."
I nod, liking how all of that sounds. I have a lot to think about. Before I blew everything up, Nate and Ellis said some big things that I need to process. While this didn't go well, we've still talked enough for things to move forward.
I’d rather not talk anymore. Their point of view doesn't quite matter right now. I have a lot of shit to work through. Not only the stuff with them, but with my own actions.
So a bath, my vibrator, and food sounds exactly like what I need.
Twenty-Six
VIOLET
Regrets are much stronger the next day.
My progress stuttered and fell back into old habits. Of course I'm not proud of it. I regret how it began, but the light of day and coming back to my apartment has allowed me to think.
While I hate how I regressed, I'm glad I did because I proved to myself that I have grown. I snapped out of it and held myself to a higher standard than I would have before.
The ability to trust myself took a big blow and my anxiety skyrocketed, but Jamie was there. In the moment, I was so overwhelmed with all the things I needed to think about, but he was right. It’s not on me to figure out how to forgive them. They need to earn my trust before that’s even a question.
My goal wasnotto cry, yet they pulled it out of me. The ferocity of my sobs as I sat on Jamie’s counter hurt my chest, although after Nate and Ellis left I felt a smidge lighter. The bath and multiple orgasms helped. That paired with the kind messages from Nate and Ellis, I was in a place to just enjoy their sweet reassurances.
They will be groveling and beating themselves up for what they did. I hope they do it well, but I have needs too. I need tofigure out if I can still connect with them in a meaningful way too.
My anger is a rollercoaster. Sometimes it keeps me from rationality, but when it's low and quiet, I can think about what I need to move on.
The fact of the matter is, I need to figure out how I feelnow. I've loved Nate and Ellis for a long time. New information has surfaced. Painful truths. Now it's up to me to figure out how to live with it. Do I accept their shows of growth and repentance? Or tell them to fuck off?
The only way I'll know and trust my decision is by asking questions, experiencing the men they are now, and living. I can't stop living.
"Girls’ night out?"
Cassidy's face lights up at my request. "Hell yeah!!"
I've chosen to keep my alcohol consumption to a minimum tonight. Mainly because the last time I got drunk, I embarrassed the heck out of myself. Plus I'm feeling particularly vulnerable after last night with the guys. I just want to hang out with my bestie, have a few drinks, and shake my hips.
My feet ache, and my neck is damp with sweat. Exactly what I needed. With my hands in the air, I jump up and down without caring how I look. The music takes me away and thuds through my bones, eliciting enough dopamine to chase all thought away.
"Hot!" Cassidy pants in front of me, waving her hands at her face to cool down. I knew her choice of leather pants would come back to bite her in the ass. Laughing, I take her hand and pull heroff the dance floor. I deposit her at a high-top table by one of the drafty windows and rush to the bar to get her a glass of ice water.
My phone vibrates in my sparkly fanny pack against my hip, but I ignore it. It's probably just Jamie. I'll respond once I'm out of the crowd. No need to risk losing my phone in the throng of bodies surrounding me. I told him I was getting drinks with Cass tonight and that I would check in later. He's admitted to being extra possessive after everything that has happened, so I figured it would be a good idea to text him a few times. I didn't tell him where we were going, though.
Which I've waffled between feeling like that might have been a mistake. Especially now that I'm standing at the bar alone waiting for someone to take my order. I just need a damn water.
"Hi sexy," a rumbly voice says behind me.
When I glance backward, the guy whosoundsattractive isnotmy type. His blonde hair is basically white, his face is clean-shaven, and his eyes are a bit too...creepy. He's also definitely drunk off his ass.
He must not care that I'm frowning, because in the next moment he has me pinned to the counter. With his crotch against my ass. Stiffening, I try to wiggle away, but he groans and grabs my hips.
"It's crowded," he says, as if that's an excuse for him to be touching me. "Do that again."
"Get off me!" I snap and bring my elbow back to clock him in the ribs. He must be really freaking drunk though, because he doesn't so much as puff out a breath of air.
Frantically, I look around, hating to see everyone in their own little world. As the beady-eyed bastard tightens his hold, I wave my hand at the bartender. The same one who knows I'm not to be messed with. Jamie made sure of that, and the fact that I take the pictures for their social media makes me an employee.
