“Ugh.” I spit it out, as if expelling a sound can make all the bad sounds go away. “Pah. Fuck. Shit. Argh!”
“Babes?” My sounds must have lured DJ to the front room. There’s a moment’s pause as she undoubtedly takes in the weird view I must offer, sitting on the floor, a blanket over my head, screaming profanities. “Freds, are you okay?”
I flop down and press my face into the soft Persian rug. “No.”
She gives me a moment to elaborate, then, when I don’t, bare feet pad across the room until she sits down next me and softly pulls the quilt off my head.
“You’re a muppet, you know that, right?”
I weakly paw at her hand but give in when she threads her fingers into my hair. “Fuck off.” It’s not at all convincing.
“I’ve never seen you like this,” she says quietly and her fingertips draw soft circles on my scalp. “Not even after the final. So I’m guessing this is about Marlon.”
“Uggghhhh.” She’s smart enough to understand that that’s a yes. She also knows me well enough to stay quiet because I will keep talking if given the chance. “I’m going over there tonight,” I say, turning my head halfway through the sentence so she can understand what I’m saying.
“Ooooh.”
“Nope. Opposite of that. He has a boyfriend.” Forcing the word out of my throat feels like I’m choking on razor blades. “DJ. He has a boyyyyyfriend.”
“You’re whining.” Her tone is softer than her words are, as it often is. “There’s no point in doing that, you know? It is what it is.”
“Wow. Thanks.” I roll my eyes at her even though she’s right, of course. It’s a good thing we’re not actually together, I wouldn’t win a single argument, ever. “What’s your next bit of advice? Keep calm and carry on?”
She smacks me lightly. “Shut up. But also, yes. What else can you do?”
“I could tell him I love him.” The words are out before I have chance to think about them.
There’s a heavy pause and DJ’s fingers still. “Oh, honey.”
“No, shut up, whatever. I didn’t mean it.” She stays silent and it’s effective yet again. “Yeah, okay, maybe I mean it. So what. I won’t say anything.”
I look up at her, she looks down at me, and we both know the horrifying, embarrassing truth: I definitely will say it. I’ll try to keep it inside, keep at least a shred of my dignity, but it’s not in my future. I’m not built like that.
“Babes,” she says again, pityingly. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea it was so bad.”
I heave a deep sigh. “I have a feeling it’s going to be even worse later. But maybe I need to get through it to leave it behind. Maybe I need to make a complete arse of myself to show Marlon what he definitely doesn’t want, and then I can move on.
Maybe. If I’m lucky.
CHAPTER 15
Marlon
Clara toldme Freddie would be coming round tonight, patted my head, and then told me I was not allowed to leave becausethis ridiculousness needs to be resolved. Loath as I am to admit it, she might have a point there. I’ll have to face Freddie soon anyway, it’s not long until all the international players will join our training sessions. We should clear the air before then.
It will very likely break my heart—again—but sometimes it’s just what needs to be done.
Now I’m standing at my window, watering can in hand, hovering over my succulent collection, thinking. Procrastinating. Anything is better than facing the reality of what’s going to happen soon. Only an hour or so until Freddie gets here.
Clara gave me a lecture earlier about how immature it was to ghost him and I should have just talked to him, and she only stopped when I got up and left the room. She’s probably right, but of course I would never tell her that.
I’m kind of glad she’s forcing my hand now. Which is another thing I can never let her know or she will be insufferable forever.
There’s a blackened petal on one of my succulents and I pluck it off carefully, then finally get to work with the wateringcan, enjoying the careful, precise movements required for the task.At least make sure you look good when you break his heart!, Clara had yelled after me when I left the living room. I scoff and shake my head at my plants. Break his heart, as if.
Freddie’s the one who had a summer full of successful games and international recognition and a whole flood of pictures of him and Hadidja looking happy together. I’m the one with a failed situationship and no luck on the career side of things. It seems pretty clear to me whose heart has been in more danger these last couple of weeks.
And I know that supposedly the relationship with DJ is just a front. They’re each other’s beard and are more like siblings than lovers. But it’s hard to believe with the circulating pictures. I didn’t even actively seek them out, but they were inescapable.
