Something heavy settles in my stomach. He’sout somewhere. That sounds innocent enough, but I have a feeling it’s the opposite of that. If it were innocent, why should I hear it from him? “What are you not telling me?”
She pauses for a second. “Just ask him about Paolo, next time you see him, okay?”
There’s a hole in my gut that wasn’t there a second ago and my heart has fallen right into it. Paolo. Fuck. I struggle to form coherent thoughts. “He—” My throat feels like sandpaper and I clear my throat. “Marlon has a boyfriend?”
“Not yet, I think. They’re on the way there, if I had to guess. He doesn’t talk about stuff like that, but I don’t think he’s been sleeping around as much as he used to.”
Ugh. Okay. I’m not sure which thought is worse; Marlon sleeping around, or Marlon now having a reason to stop doing it.“Oh.” I honestly can’t think of anything else to say; my mind is blank, my heart is shattered, my mouth filled with gravel.
I shouldn’t be so surprised. I told him we couldn’t be a thing.
And yet I thought he’d fight for us.
Even though I didn’t.
God I’m a self-important prick. No wonder Marlon chosePaoloover me.
“Freddie.” Clara’s voice has gone soft and somehow that only makes it worse. “I get that things are a bit complicated with the two of you. But you both deserve to be happy, yeah?”
I manage a vague noise in agreement.
“You should talk,” she continues. “In person. Swing round this evening, seven-ish? I’ll make sure Marlon is home.”
“Uh-huh.” I hang up before she can say goodbye and I don’t even care how rude that is. My mum would be appalled. But I have no capacity to care; all I can do is stare at my phone and watch as the screen slowly darkens.
Marlon has a boyfriend, or as good as.
There’s a man in his life who he kisses, sleeps with, laughs with. Shares stories that I will never know. Maybe this guy was even at the game where Marlon scored a goal, got to see that proud, bashful grin. Got to hug him.
While I was miles and miles away.
My heart thunders in my chest and I know I need to calm down, but it’s incredibly difficult. My mind is spinning, everything in me spiralling at an increasing pace.
We both knew we could never be anything, not the way I wanted—not the way he wanted, either, unless I misread the signs. Not publicly, anyway. We could have tried, though.Icould have tried. Instead of having my head up my own arse because I got to play my first international tournament, I could have tried to stay in touch. Show him I care about him, in whatever capacity he’ll allow.
He is a beautiful man, inside and out. Did I honestly think he’d stay single for long? Sure, he’ll never be able to have a relationship in public, but there are plenty of ways to make it happen anyway. Why was I too scared to even try?
Why the fuck did I think he’d stick around, just in case I wanted to have another taste of him?
I deserve every single ounce of pain that’s coursing through me. All of it and so much more.
If anyone else had treated Marlon with the disrespect I showed him, I would have been so mad. So now I can direct that anger at myself. That disgust.
It’s no way to treat someone you care about.
I roll off the settee, tumbling to the floor, hitting my forehead on the coffee table on the way. Good. I deserve it. I grab the crocheted quilt that lies in a heap on the floor and pull it over my head for good measure.
Be so for fucking real, Freddie. You don’tcareabout Marlon.
You’re crazy for him.
Madly in love, despite it being the worst idea you’ve ever had.
And now you have to live with the consequences of your actions and are feeling sorry for yourself.
I bet Paolo doesn’t have knobbly knees and untameable hair and a mouth that runs off sometimes with no hope of controlling it. I bet he can talk about his feelings instead of making silly jokes. And he’s available—emotionally, mentally, physically. All the things I’m not.
So, tonight, I’ll get to face him and try to form words that—what? What am I trying to get out of this? Any hopes I might have had about convincing him, somehow turning all of this around are gone. I may be a massive bellend, but I would never lure a taken man away from his partner.
