I roll my eyes and slouch down further on my bed, pretending I didn’t hear her. She says she wants to watch a movie, but in reality she’ll bring out her phone and pretend-casually show me her uni friends.Maleuni friends. She’s been true to her word and there haven’t been any further dates, but she’s not done meddling, apparently.
As if having sex has magically transformed me into another person; one who enjoys meeting strangers and making small talk. I pull the hood of my jumper up and close my eyes, burrowing into the comforting warmth. I’m still the same homebody I’ve always been and I wish Clara would understand.
So maybe I am into men. But I still need to focus on my career and I need to be bloody careful with who I date. Discovering my gayness has not made life as a professional footballer any easier, considering how taboo the topic still is. The sport’s fixation on hyper masculinity and all its components is ridiculous. All the more so now that I know it applies to me.
I’ve narrowed down my porn searches to man-on-man action, and I enjoyed touching Freddie. Very much. I’m also still a great defender who can tackle any opponent who comes too close to my goal. I’m the same muscular, talented, ruthless man I was before. Literally nothing has changed except who I want to have sex with.
Or not.
I have no desire for a repeat of that night with Freddie.
My stomach ties itself into a knot and I sigh. Okay, yes. I have no desire to repeat any of it…except if it were with Freddie.
“I know you can hear me!” Clara’s voice slices through my thoughts. “Come on!”
Christ. She’s relentless. “Leave me alone!” I yell, like a sullen teenager.
Then I find headphones and put them on, but I pause before I can turn on the music. Because Freddie is on my mind. Again. He’s been there a lot; more than he should.
He made it clear that our night together was a one-time thing. He helped me figure things out, nothing more, nothing less. Besides, he has a girlfriend. And sure, apparently Hadidja is cool about all this, but still. I doubt she’d want repeats.
So I tell myself I don’t want them, either. Make sure I don’t look at him when he’s half-naked in the dressing room, wet skin and easy laughs and messy hair. Make sure our interactions remain friendly, but no more than that.
Because as soon as I let my mind linger even for a second, it takes me right back to that hotel room. His lips on my skin,his soft laugh. The way he looked at me like I was something precious. How everything tilted sideways the moment his mouth closed?—
I’m doing it again.
Fuck.
I grab my Switch instead, determined to distract myself, but when theBreath of the Wildsoundtrack starts playing, I’ve already lost focus again. I don’t want to explore Hyrule; I want to go back to that hotel room and explore Freddie. I want to feel the way I did when he held me. Caressed me. Just one more time.
If only I hadn’t been such a bundle of nerves. Looking back on that night, it’s the only thing that embarrasses me. How out of my depth I was, how awkward. I hate not being good at things. Even if Freddie hadn’t thought of it as a one-time thing before, I’m sure my patheticness would have made him change his mind.
There must be a way to get better. And I don’t mean porn; I’m very good at that. But actual, real connection, another man to touch. I want to figure out if other men even do it for me or if Freddie is the odd one out. What turns me on? What other things are there that we haven’t tried? There must be ways to do it. Freddie said something about him hooking up, right? It sounds bloody dangerous but I’m also reckless enough to try it.
Because I obviously can’t do anything with Freddie.
And, to be honest, sure I play for Westfield’s first team now, but I’m still a nobody. There must be so many men out there who don’t care about football and won’t recognise me. Right? Men I can figure things out with, no feelings, no strings. Hook up and move on.
I should look into that.
“Marlon!” Clara sing-songs, closer now. She’s come to hunt her prey. “There’s no escape!”
Well, at least she’s honest. “Bugger off!” I know she won’t listen to me anyway, but I at least have to try. She’s great and takes care of me in so many ways, but figuring myself out around her is…difficult. I understand that this is her way of showing me she cares, but maybe she could care a little less, sometimes. It would be impossible to bring anyone home, for example. She’d give me a Cheshire cat grin in the morning and ask questions that would make me blush.
My phone lights up and for an insane, hopeful moment, I think it’s Freddie.
It’s not. I curse at myself for even thinking about it.
With a sigh, I delete the pop-up notification from one of my game apps and close my eyes. Damn my heart and that telltale lurch. Freddie is a bad idea for so, so many reasons.
I need to focus on finding another man to?—
Clara pops her head round the door without knocking. “What’s taking you so long?”
I grab a pillow and throw it at her, but she laughs and dodges it easily. “Come on!” She holds her hand out to me and I resign myself to my fate, scrambling to get up from the bed.
Maybe I should get a dildo.
